The Republicans

By Richard Stengel

MOST PIE-IN-THE-SKY SUGGESTION. Former Delaware Governor Pete du Pont's invitation to Jesse Jackson to join the Republicans. "The ground you seek is here, in New Orleans, in the party of Lincoln and Reagan and Bush and Kemp and Bork."

BIGGEST WINNER. The Big Easy, New Orleans, a place where it is almost impossible to have a bad meal or a bad time -- and where the natives very thoughtfully do not put scales in most hotel bathrooms.

MOST OFT-REPEATED, OBVIOUS AND ULTIMATELY BORING PHRASE. This is a party town.

BEST PAIR OF LUNGS. Charmaine Neville's delightful scat-singing and good- humored blues, which had visitors dancing in the aisles at the Snug Harbor bar.

BEST ANTI-DUKAKIS SIGN. "Beware of Greeks Wearing Lifts."

MOST CONVINCING AND SURPRISING IMPERSONATION OF A HARD-LINE CONSERVATIVE. The normally moderate New Jersey Governor Thomas Kean.

SILLIEST RHETORIC. Pat Robertson's denunciation of the French Revolution and his depiction of the A.C.L.U. as something akin to a terrorist organization.

WORST TIE. Ronald Reagan's top-half-red, bottom-half-blue cravat.

LOUDEST CLOTHES AND LOUDEST VOICE. Maureen Reagan.

MOST CANDID APPRAISAL OF THE VICE PRESIDENCY. Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson's explanation of why he did not want to be considered for the job. "My wife and I sat down and discussed it, and we made a list of the pros and cons. One side was this long," he said, spreading his arms wide. "The plus side was a big house. A nice place to marry off your daughter."

MOST DISARMING RESPONSE TO THE "IT'S NOT YOU" PHONE CALL. The Doles: After George Bush told the couple that neither of them was the vice-presidential nominee, Liddy Dole called friends and said, "It ain't us."

MOST DISARMING -- AND DOUBLE-EDGED -- RESPONSE TO THE NEW NOMINEE. Bob Dole's comment on calling to congratulate Quayle and learning he could not come to the telephone: "He was shaving -- for the first time."

BEST POLITICAL REVIVAL.

Former President Gerald Ford, who was banished to post-prime time when convention organizers decided he was history. But Ford, who looks as though he has not aged a day since leaving the White House, gave a solid, well-reasoned speech that actually helped answer the question "Where was George?" -- R.S.