Freaks, Dorfs and Betsy Wetsy

By Richard Zoglin

They're in your local video store, but you may have to look hard to find them. Past the shelves of fast-renting movie releases like Dirty Dancing and The Untouchables. Beyond the racks filled with vintage Hollywood comedies, Hitchcock suspense classics and slasher epics. Ah, the Jane Fonda workout tapes; now you're getting warm. Welcome to the wonderful world of original programming for home video.

Ever since VCRs began to catch on, industry gurus have predicted an explosion of fare specially made for the home-video market. The explosion has arrived, in quantity if not in quality. No one knows how many nonmovie tapes have been released, but estimates hover between 7,000 and 10,000. A few genres -- notably exercise tapes, children's cassettes and rock-concert videos -- have established a niche in the market. But the rest are fighting for a relatively tiny number of viewers. Usually produced on a shoestring, these made-for-home-video cassettes are doing well if they sell 20,000 or 30,000 copies (at prices ranging from $10 to $40). Says Bob Alexander, whose consulting firm Alexander & Associates tracks the home-video industry: "The dollars involved are a drop in the bucket in terms of the marketplace."

That hasn't prevented at least 1,400 companies -- entertainment giants like Paramount as well as scores of small mom-and-pop operations -- from plunging into the field with an eclectic selection of specialized cassettes. Looking for stars? Tim Conway plays a 4-ft.-tall golf expert in a comedy tape called Dorf on Golf, and Shelley Duvall is the safety-minded host of Earthquake Survival. Anyone for instant history? There are video highlights of Pope John Paul II's 1987 visit to the U.S. and Oliver North's testimony at the Iran- contra hearings. Is the small print in those self-help books getting you down? Watch the books on TV instead, video versions of such titles as The Joy of Stress and Color Me Beautiful.

For sports buffs, the burgeoning library ranges from 1986 Mets: A Year to Remember to Hulk Hogan and company battling for ring supremacy in the compleat Wrestlemania (I, II, III and IV). For travelers, the video offerings span the globe, from Elephant Hunting in Tanzania to Annette Funicello's guide to central Florida. For single gals on the prowl, try How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You. For guys: How to Read a Woman like a Book. Teens can learn How Can I Tell If I'm Really in Love? from Jason and Justine Bateman. And voyeurs of all persuasions can meet people with exotic physical deformities in a cassette called, unfortunately, I Am Not a Freak.

Washington-based Atlas Video, a typical newcomer to the field, has just released the second in a series of historical cassettes on the Civil War. Narrated by Edwin Newman and illustrated with archival drawings and paintings, the half-hour history lessons appeal to the "same kind of people who collect National Geographic magazines and put them on their bookshelves," says Atlas' founder and president, Peter Edwards. Another small but imaginative firm, Rhino Video, has done well with compilations of old TV clips, sensational movie trailers and oddball cartoons like Bambi Meets Godzilla. Notes Rhino President Richard Foos: "There is an incredible fascination among certain people with the odd and bizarre."

Bizarre might be the word to describe the success of Dorf on Golf, which, with sales of more than 150,000, is one of the surprise hits of the home-video field. A takeoff on the multitude of golf instructional tapes, it features Conway standing on his knees to appear like a midget and doing a slow burn through a feeble series of slapstick gags. A newly released sequel, Dorf and the First Games of Mt. Olympus, has even less point or wit, as the character participates in the hurdles, pole vault and other Olympic events with the help of trick photography.

The news and documentary field is more rewarding. NBC has produced 1987: The Unforgettable Year, a 75-minute review of such major news events as the stock- market crash and the downfall of Evangelists Jim and Tammy Bakker, anchored by Tom Brokaw. An ABC-produced cassette on the 1988 Winter Olympics is a well- edited recap of the Games' emotional highlights (and no Dick Button commentary!). And The Confessions of Bernhard Goetz is a surprisingly gripping tape featuring the New York City-subway gunman's actual confession in a Concord, N.H., police station.

Several campy collections of old TV and movie material are fun as well. ( Rhino's Sleazemania series contains howlingly bad excerpts from old antidrug shorts, soft-core porno and previews for grade-Z melodramas ("Terrifying realism! Claws at your unbelieving mind!"). The Video Doll Shoppe, from the New York City-based Video Resources, is a compilation of doll commercials from the 1950s and '60s, including a gloriously dopey promotional film from the Ideal Toy Corp. describing the invention and manufacture of Betsy Wetsy.

Other home videos are harder to fathom. It is pleasant to watch Charles Osgood narrating a video version of Strunk and White's classic writing manual, The Elements of Style. But why would anyone who cares about the distinction between "irritate" and "aggravate" be watching a videotape instead of reading the book? A slew of soothing "mood tapes," ranging from Video Fireplace to Loon Country by Canoe (natural sounds only), is relaxing, all right, but so is a test pattern. On the other hand, after a session with Betty White's Learn to Fox Trot Course or How to Have a Moneymaking Garage Sale, starring Phyllis Diller (Terrifying realism! Claws at your unbelieving mind!), those loons can sound pretty good.

With reporting by William Tynan/New York