Most of '87

THE LOUDEST EXPLOSIONS The noisy breakups of Joan Collins and Peter Holm (after 13 months of marriage); Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen (after 19 months); and Madonna and Sean Penn (after 28 months), who -- don't hold your breath -- seem to have had second thoughts.

THE CLASSIEST NEW STAR Spuds MacKenzie, the spokesdog in the Bud Light beer commercials and budding movie star. No contest.

THE FUNNIEST SCENE STEALER The blind camel who upstaged Co-Stars Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman in Ishtar, the $40 million-plus bust-of-the-year, and thereby proved that big salaries ($5 million apiece for Beatty and Hoffman) do not necessarily produce either big laughs or big bucks at the box office.

THE RICHEST SPOOK Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera, which doesn't open until Jan. 26 but has already had the largest advance sale ($15 million) in Broadway history.

MOST MIRACULOUS TURNAROUND Disney, long in the box-office cellar, which has turned out a string of hits, including Outrageous Fortune, Stakeout and Three Men and a Baby, since Honchos Michael Eisner, Jeffrey Katzenberg and Richard Frank took over just three years ago.

THE SWEETEST SCENTS The perfumes peddled by those lovely hucksters: Elizabeth Taylor (Passion), Liza Minnelli (Metropolis), Sophia Loren (Sophia), Catherine Deneuve (Deneuve) and Dionne Warwick (Dionne).

FARTHEST INTO THE OZONE Michael Jackson, who, after plastic surgery on his nose and chin, unsuccessfully offered $1 million for the remains of John Merrick, the Elephant Man. Knock, knock -- Is anyone there?

THE QUICKEST DEPARTURE ABC's Max Headroom, which was trumpeted as the TV of the future but quickly became a show of the past.

THE MOST WORRIED MOGULS The heads of the three networks, who have watched their share of the viewing audience drop from 81% five years ago to 76% today.

THE SADDEST READING The obituary pages of Variety, which week after week showed how much show-business talent is being lost to AIDS, including Liberace, 67, Director Michael Bennett, 44, and Charles Ludlam, 44, the innovative creator of Manhattan's Ridiculous Theatrical Company.