The Perils of Dual Careers

By Anastasia Toufexis

Bob, 55, a corporate executive in New York City, decided to take early retirement and switch to a less stressful career that would allow him more leisure. His wife Sally, 40, had returned to work after their children had grown up, and her career in sales was taking off. She angrily accused Bob of being domineering and asked for a separation.

Betty and Dan, lawyers at large Chicago firms, had a six-figure combined income but squabbled at home about their finances. Then, early this year, Betty received a lucrative offer that meant moving to the East. Dan, however, wanted to remain in Chicago, and their fighting intensified.

& Pam, an executive with a real estate firm in Los Angeles, and Jim, president of a small insurance-brokerage house, had been married for seven years when Pam gave birth to their son. She returned to work but was depressed and cried uncontrollably. Jim grew frustrated and impatient.

Welcome to the great American two-career family and pass the aspirin, please. Dual paychecks, the norm in U.S. marriages today, may provide a better standard of living, but for a large number of couples they also contribute to twin headaches. Many family counselors say their practices are now largely devoted to couples who cannot reconcile three often conflicting demands: his job, her job and their relationship. Says Patricia Kennedy, a psychologist in New York: "Marriage, or even living together, has become every bit as much a business merger as it is an emotional commitment." Says Donald Bloch, director of New York's Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy: "People are turning themselves into pretzels to deal with the problems."

In part the difficulties stem from the complexity of working couples' lives. There are only so much energy, emotion and especially time to go around. When the career-minded pair finally meet at home, they are usually exhausted. Often their conversation is confined to work. Intimacy erodes; boredom sets in. Says Sara Yogev, a Skokie, Ill., psychotherapist: "It's funny, but even sex can become another task that they need to do, satisfying physically but not emotionally."

Dual careers can aggravate marital rifts. Struggles over power, along with questions of dependency, self-esteem and trust, can emerge as critical issues. Partners may even judge themselves and each other by the values of the workplace. Explains Kitty La Perriere of New York, president of the American Family Therapy Association: "What matters is production, output, competition, excellence." Since men are still the principal wage earners in most families, the women usually take second billing. Arnold Medvene, a University of Maryland psychologist, recalls a woman whose writing career was becoming increasingly successful. But her husband, a high-ranking civilian employee of the Navy, put little value on her work. Their children and the household tasks remained her burden. Says Medvene: "She got the message. She felt belittled and demeaned." Only after the couple went into therapy did the husband acknowledge that his wife had valid appointments of her own. He now helps tend their children and takes duty leave to wait for the plumber.

Some relationships are damaged when the wife's income and prestige outstrip the husband's. Medvene recently counseled a couple, both psychologists, who were unable to deal with that issue. Guilt-ridden, the wife had been rejecting offers to head committees; her humiliated husband meanwhile doubted his own professional success. During therapy, the wife began to assume a more active role in her career while he took up a diversionary interest in music and sculpture.

Another thorny question: how to handle finances. "In traditional marriages, money was family income no matter who brought it in," says Psychiatrist Clifford Sager of New York. "Now each wants to hold on to his or her own. That's not bad as long as a reasonable percentage is put into a common pot, but often you get these cute arrangements where the man's money goes on the household and the woman's on vacations."

The problems are not confined to the young and affluent. Housework and watching the children are as much issues for traditional couples of moderate income who work simply to make ends meet. But the lack of job satisfaction sometimes exacerbates difficulties. Joy Johnson, a Chicago clinical therapist, cites the case of a woman who works at a factory, stuffing coupons into cereal boxes. Says Johnson: "There is nothing stimulating about it. At the end of the day she turns to her marriage to make up for what she didn't get during the day." Johnson says that the woman is so demanding "her husband feels she is going to eat him up alive."

In most instances it is the wife who initiates the move into counseling. In sessions, the therapist may play the part of one partner; sometimes couples act out each other's roles. James Framo, a family therapist in La Jolla, Calif., insists that his patients bring in their parents and siblings to help dig out family-rooted problems. His couples may also take part in group therapy to see how other pairs are coping. Ian Alger, a New York therapist, uses a more novel technique: videotaping couples' visits. Instant replays are often so revealing that some partners begin to resolve their disputes almost immediately. He also lends the tapes to couples for a leisurely review at home. Says Alger: "They look for revealing body language and communications patterns."

Staying together, say therapists, depends partly on tempering expectations. % The traditional husband-wife relationship may no longer satisfy many people, but equally unrealistic are those who strive to become Supermom and Ultra- Exec. "You're not going to be able to go as far in your career, have the kind of marriage and be the kind of parent you would like all at the same time," warns Atlanta Psychologist Michael Berger. "If you've got tremendous amounts of energy, go for two of the three. But you're not going to get three out of three."

With reporting by Cathy Booth/New York and Valerie Mindel/ Chicago, with other bureaus