Thaddledo All Around

As the "gubment," or government, of Arkansas begins an upcoming legislative "spatial" (special) session called by Governor Bill Clinton, observers unfamiliar with Southern political dialect will have available the next best thing to simultaneous translation: a just published paperback of 35 uproarious pages titled The Southern Legislative Dictionary.

This guide to the speech of Southern politicians was written by Arkansas Gazette Columnist Richard Allin. Sometimes, the dictionary shows, the natives' language is formed by the omission of syllables: a "sherf' is "a county law officer," "t'mar" is "the day following today" and "bob war" is "fencing to keep cows in." Contrarily, extra syllables are sometimes inserted: "physical year" is when "financial records must be reconciled," often by the "orditor," a "state fiscal official"; "arthur rightus" is "a disease of the bone joints." Often, consonants are replaced: a "Babdist" is defined as "the opposite of a Methodist," and "partial post" is "a mailing category."

Some of the lingo is harder for Yankees to classify. Consider "turblist," which means "worst," and "thaddledo," which, says the dictionary, is the equivalent of "enough."

A Ding Dong Diet

Thanks to a drought-induced shortage of corn and grain, some of America's pigs and cows have had their diets "upgraded"--changed, anyway.

Missouri Farmer Walter Yoder keeps his 35 head of cattle on a diet of Wonder bread, honey buns and Ding Dongs (which they eat with the wrappers still on). "When I holler come and git it, these steers come running," Yoder says. "They like it more than the tall, lush grass in springtime. Even when the bread is moldy, they still like it just fine." Ted Thoreson, another Missouri cattleman, offers his steers spent Lipton tea leaves and contaminated flour. Says Thoreson: "The truth is that cows can actually convert most any kind of waste to food."

Livestock will also munch on cheese, potatoes, oranges, birdseed, beet pulp, cotton seeds, tallow, brewery mash and chocolate-chip cookies. "Pigs love chocolate. They really do," says Robert Easter, an associate professor of animal science at the University of Illinois. The mash, however, causes the swine to stagger drunkenly a bit at first. Some farmers have used such products for years, especially in times of drought. But some animal nutritionists say the use of alternative feed, though not widespread at all, has become more attractive in these hard economic times. With proper dietary balancing, the experts say, the animals will get the nutrition they need and the meat flavor will not be affected perceptibly. Of course, if some day steak starts tasting like tea and bacon like cocoa, consumers may have only the Ding Dong diet to blame.

A Different Kind of Sweep

The wages of sin are going up in Tulsa. As part of a controversial crackdown initiated by Mayor James Inhofe, convicted prostitutes will no longer get the usual fines and suspended sentences for the misdemeanor. Instead, ladies of the evening will draw up to 90 days of "hard labor"--cleaning up lawns, cutting weeds and helping with rebuilding work--in the city's Mohawk Park. "They can more realistically repay their debts to society by hard work," says Inhofe, "than by sitting in jail being fed by the taxpayers."

Residents living near the red-light district generally applaud the mayor's new plan to keep the pros off the streets by putting them in the parks. But some women's organizations picketed at the red-light district last week to protest what they call "harassment" of prostitutes. The protesters--from the No Bad Women, Just Bad Laws Coalition, the Tulsa Wages for Housework Campaign and the Lesbian Task Force of Eastern Oklahoma--carried signs reading PROSTITUTES ARE NOT CRIMINALS and 70% OF PROSTITUTES ARE MOTHERS.

The mayor is standing by his edict, though he did amend it to embrace convicted male customers. "Johns" will also be put to work plucking weeds and picking up litter. "Don't worry," Inhofe says. "Everybody is going to be treated equally." That should be some sight. This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so viewer discretion is required.