Homespun Zaps and Zingers

The knock-out punch is an Ann and Abby trademark. A selection of some of their best--and briefest--replies:

Dear Abby: What is the cure for a man who has been married for 33 years and still can't stay away from other women? His Wife

Dear Wife: Rigor mortis.

Dear Ann Landers: I'm a mail carrier and my job starts at 8 a.m. This is time enough for women to get a dress on and run a comb through their hair. Most housewives look so terrible it's enough to spoil a man's day. The Mailman

Dear Mailman: You ain't never been a woman at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Dear Abby: Married women are expect ed to wear wedding rings. I think all married men should wear something to indicate that they are married. Wilma Dear Wilma: Isn't a five-year-old suit and a worried look sufficient?

Dear Ann Landers: I am 15 years old and my biggest problem is my mother. All she does is nag, nag, nag. From morning till night. It is, turn off the TV. Do your homework. Wash your neck. Stand up straight. Go clean up your room. How can I get her off my case? Pick, Pick, Pick

Dear Picky: Turn off the TV. Do your homework. Wash your neck. Stand up straight. Go clean up your room.

Dear Abby: Our 19-year-old daughter Caroline has started going with a guy named Angelo. He never takes her anyplace. He just comes over every night to watch television and wear out our sofa ... What should I do? Kitchen Sitter

Dear Sitter: Send me a picture of Caroline and I'll tell you what to do.

Dear Ann Landers: A man 12 years my junior talks of marriage, but his conversations all wind up with questions about my financial situation. [If] he is insincere ... why does he swear he worships the ground I walk on? Miss B.L.K.

Dear Miss B.L.K.: He probably thinks there's oil under it.

Dear Abby: I am a divorced woman in my early 40s. Where can I find a man ... who would like an attractive companion for dinner and the movies without expecting sex afterwards? I can't afford to travel far. It seems that all the eligible men in the northern part of New Jersey expect sex after an evening's entertainment. "J" in

Lincoln Park, N.J. Dear "J": Try southern New Jersey.

Dear Ann Landers: My wife has been a stationary snowdrift from the day we married ... She is an excellent mother, a fine housekeeper, a gracious hostess and active in the League of Women Voters. But she is more than cold, she's frozen. Starvation Diet

Dear S.D.: Many are cold but few are frozen. Your wife should talk to her doctor ... You should see a doctor too. A French philosopher once said, "There are no cold women, only clumsy men."

Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? Jake

Dear Jake: Yes. And also hazardous.

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