The Scariest Time of the Year
By Roger Rosenblatt
No matter what you have heard to the contrary, the Druids knew what they were doing. On Halloween, for example (their festival of Samhain), they would call forth the terrifying spirits of their world for the purpose of collecting them in one place and then driving them off. Holidays degenerate, unfortunately. Our own odd Halloweens have dwindled to occasions for guilty-looking parents to lurk under street lamps, while pipsqueaks in Darth Vader masks pass themselves off as terrifying spirits. But what shall we do with our real terrors? If a group of heathen tree lovers, like the Druids, could rid their world of its fears merely by throwing a party for them, could we not do likewise?
It is worth a try. Here and now, as we approach the scariest time of the year, let our monsters come before us:
VOICES OF TERROR l)Hi. My name is Jeff, and I'm your waiter. The chef has prepared a bluefish today, with a...
2) Ladies and gentlemen: the Bee Gees!
3) ... and Sam Donaldson with the President in Air Force One.
4) May I talk to you--alone?
5) Ladies and gentlemen: the Who!
6) Random House proudly announces the publication of the autobiography of a major American family. It's called Wallechinsky, and it's about...
7) His talk--"Canadian Utility Rates: the Long View"--may run a bit over the time allotted. But I'm sure that you'll agree ...
8) Yes, I've written a novel. And you 're in it.
9) Ladies and gentlemen: the Grateful Dead!
10) No problem.
NIGHT WITHOUT END 7:30 Happy Days (R)
8:00 The Brady Bunch (R)
8:30 The Toni Tennille Show. Guests: Erik Estrada, John Davidson, Dr. Joyce Brothers
9:00 Washington Week in Review (R)
9:30 Ironside (R)
10:00 CBS Sports Spectacular. National roller disco championships (semifinals); cricket from Ottawa (live); legends of bowling
10:30 The John Davidson Show. Guests: Toni Tennille, Erik Estrada, Dr. Joyce Brothers 11:00 Maude (R) 11:30 The Best of Carson. Guests: Toni Tennille, others
12:00 Movie: Crazy Hondas (1979). Erik Estrada, Dr. Joyce Brothers (3 hrs.)
THE TURN OF THE SCREW
No parking. No standing. No soliciting. No loitering. Post no bills. No fishing. Driver does not make change. No swimming from dock. No swimming from bridge. No vacancy. Keep off. Keep out. Out to lunch. Out of gas. No trespassing. No talking. Authorized personnel only. No checks cashed. No checks accepted. Do not touch. No refunds. No ballplaying. No visitors beyond this point. No admission. Full. Closed. No children. No turns. Do not enter. Wrong way. Stop. Yield.
THEM Bo and John Derek
IT 10
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS 1) Dear Mr. Doe: This mailing is only going out to the 15 most intelligent people in the U.S., because...
2) Dear Tenant: The heat...
3) Dear Mr. John Doe: How would you like to wake up one morning in your home at 2121 Elm Street to learn that you and your wife Mrs. Helen Doe have just won ...
4) Hi Gang!
Well, here's that old Christmas letter again. Mary ("Groucho," to her friends) thought that you all might be getting sick and tired of this annual epistle. But I told her...
5) Dear Guardian of Nature:
Sure, 1 billion killer sharks sound like a lot. But did you know ... 6) Dear Fellow Democrat John Jack:
Abscam schmabscam. Ozzie Myers is still the kind of guy ...
I WAKE UP SCREAMING 1) Vissarionovich. A zany new musical based on the life of Joseph Stalin. Starring Joel Grey. Choreographed by Bob Fosse. "A gem"--New York Post.
2) Hoof. A zany new dance entertainment by Bob Fosse. Covers the period in his life just after the making of Chicago and just before Dancin' and All That Jazz.
"Clix "-- Variety.
3) The Prisoner of Talk. A zany new comedy by Neil Simon about four wacky Manhattan divorce lawyers and a custody suit not to be believed. Starring Jill Clayburgh, Marsha Mason, Charles Grodin and Alan Alda. "You will break your heart laughing"--Gene Shalit.
4) 10 11. Starring Bo Derek and Sylvester Stallone. With John Derek. Book and lyrics by Bob Fosse. "Zany" --Daily News.
5) Zany. Woody Allen's final statement, in which Woody completes his last two years at N.Y.U. and settles down as a C.P.A. in Bensonhurst. "Perhaps the most important film of this or any year" --Psychology Today.
There. Do you think that does it?
Or have we left some terrors out, ones that we tremble to mention, much less to convene? Not that our trembling would make the slightest bit of difference. The terrors of the times have a tendency to arrive on their own steam. And see: here come three more. We know them well. For months they have been hounding us -- grinning, waving wildly, like demons, grabbing our hands and shaking them, while we shied away in fright, figuring that with the ghost of a chance, we could avoid a confrontation perhaps for ever. Now our hands shake on their own. For this is the scariest time of the year, and the three of them are out there, pounding at the door.
Open it. You knew you'd have to vote eventually .
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