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A new Ford manual

Manners makyth man, according to the ancient English axiom. However, it is woman who makyth manners, a behavioral frontier that has traditionally been too sensitive to be guarded by men. From Chaucer's Wife of Bath through Godey's Lady's Book, Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt and Letitia Baldrige, the doyennes of decorum have defined and refined social norms to the point at which a boilermaker in Metropolis, Ill., knows (from his wife) that it is O.K. to eat bacon with his fingers, while french fries should be conveyed by a fork.

But times they are always achanging, and with them the strategies of propriety--and the generalissimas. The latest entrant in the annals of etiquette is Charlotte Ford, 41, elder daughter of Henry II and former wife of Stavros Niarchos, 72, the Greek shipping tycoon. Ford's Book of Modern Manners (Simon & Schuster; $14.95) honestly and sometimes humorously addresses the battle order. Meeting Someone New in a Public Place. How to Be a Popular Guest (or Host). Sharing a Bathroom. The Length of the Cocktail Hour.

Ford populates her 509-page book with imaginary characters who might have been rented from Dickens: Vivian Fein Quales, Jason Seldom, Basil Prout, Lance Loomer, Dr. Madora Waxley and Eden Ceilings worth, among others. Some of her advice could have been lifted from a phrase book written in Taiwan, for example, changing the subject during an unpleasant conversation: "Did you know Cecily Margolis is getting braces, along with her oldest, Agatha?"

However, Ford's book is more than a manual of manners. Its most valuable contributions are about coping with contemporary life, especially the decathlon of divorce (she has had two). She writes of survival as a single, raising children (her daughter Elena Niarchos is now 13) without a paternal presence, dealing with the gossip that sprouts like toadstools after the decree nisi, and deciding which friends you have left.

Modern Manners is both pithy and practical. Under the heading When You and Your Ex Are Invited to the Same Party, she quotes a friend: "If we wanted to go to parties together, we'd still be married." In fact, Ford tactics often reflect the celebrated advice of Mr. Punch to a young person contemplating marriage: "Don't." Charlotte's web of don'ts includes, with some reservations: rigid enforcement of "house rules" for weekend guests; bedroom segregation of unmarried lovers; gossiping about mutual friends and former loved ones; serving drugs at a party.

But the convent-educated author also has an intriguing list of dos. For example, she heartily approves of breast-feeding in public (when done "with a minimum of fuss and exposure"). She even suggests how an unmarried couple should go about getting a double room in a hotel in a foreign city: "Sign the register, Count Vronsky and Anna Karenina." Curiously, Charlotte Ford has not read Baldrige's revised version of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, published in 1978, which is more fully researched and better written. The major difference between the two books may lie in the fact that Charlotte's reflects a more personal involvement in her situations. She brings to the arid arena of dos and don'ts a dose of good sense, a dash of wit and a dollop of compassion, none of which are standard ingredients of etiquette.

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