Our Beasts and Burdens

People generally react to complexity in one of two ways: inducing rules to explain what is happening, or confecting jargon to obscure what is happening. Thus in this best and worst of times, with Murphy's law (If anything can go wrong, it will) as the only constant in a world of nonviable alternatives, two unusual guidebooks have become hits of the winter season.

One of them is by Paul Dickson, 39, a founder of the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, which is actually a filing box in which he has collected all the useful social axioms he could find -and some useless ones as well. He has published them in The Official Rules (Delacorte; $7.95).

On the other front, former Senator Eugene McCarthy, 62, and Political Columnist James Kilpatrick, 58, began one evening to catalogue the bureaucratic monsters they often encountered: "Mr. Kilpatrick recalled the Budgetary Shortfall he had seen along the Potomac. Mr. McCarthy spoke fondly of Leaping Qantums." They roused Political Cartoonist Jeff MacNelly out of bed to portray their creatures, and the result was A Political Bestiary (McGraw-Hill; $7.95).

A sampling from the two books:

Agnes Allen's Law. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. -The wife of Yale Historian Frederick Lewis Allen

Allen's Distinction. The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. -Humorist Woody Allen

Anthony's Law of Force. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -Anonymous

Army Axiom. An order that can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood.

Bernstein's Law. A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot. -New York Times Consulting Editor Theodore Bernstein

Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets. Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. -Rand Institute Fellow Joe Bolton

Boyle's Law. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. -Charles Boyle of NASA

Broder's Law. Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -Political Columnist David Broder

Canada Bill Jones' Motto and Supplement. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. -Anonymous

Colson's Law. If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -Poster alleged to have hung in the office of former Nixon Aide Chuck Colson

Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics. 1. Get elected. 2. Get reelected. 3. Don't get mad, get even. -The late Senator Everett Dirksen

Ettore's Observation. The other line moves faster. -New York Times Financial Writer Barbara Ettore

Rule for Academic Deans. 1. Hide! 2. If they find you, lie! -Father Damian Fandal, University of Dallas

Finagle's Creed. Science is truth: don't be misled by facts. Finagle on corrections: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. -;Anonymous

Gordon's First Law. If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. -Anonymous

Getty's Reminder. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. -Oil Millionaire J. Paul Getty

Herblock's Law. If it's good, they'll stop making it. -Cartoonist Herbert Block

Hull's Warning. Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. -Former Secretary of State Cordell Hull

Jacquin's Postulate. No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session. -Anonymous

Marshall's Generalized Iceberg Theorem. Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen. -Anonymous

Merrill's Maxim of Instant Status. In a democracy you can be respected though poor, but don't count on it. -Author Charles Merrill Smith

Miles' Law. Where you stand depends on where you sit. -Former HEW Administrator Rufus Miles

Another of Murphy's Laws. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. -Anonymous

Runyon's Law. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -Author Damon Runyon

First Law of Wing Walking. Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. -Georgetown University Graduate Dean Donald Herzberg

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