Ms. Lonelyhearts Gets a Letter

What's a nice girl like her doing in a place like that?

Dear Ms. Lonelyhearts:

I have this friend, an attractive shipping heiress? I'd rather not divulge her name, because she doesn't want any of this to get out, so let's just say she's Greek or something. I'll call her Christina.

Well, she inherited fantastic millions, and it makes her kind of petulant and unpredictable. Actually she's very good at things like business and contracts and renting out her boats, but the fact is, she is just a nebbish when it comes to affairs of the heart. I mean, she's had two husbands, and they didn't work out. Well, a couple of weeks ago, she got married again. This time, it was a Russian! And not your ex-duke kind of Russian you see around some of the smart places in Paris and Miami Beach, mind you, but an ordinary Commie, if you'll pardon my French. I'll call him Sergei.

Needless to say, we were all terribly shocked. With all the right sort of people to marry, Christina picked out this person with brown shoes! Nothing we could say would change her mind, so she went up to Moscow and married him in this drab, crummy ceremony. But just before she was due to go off to the Siberia Hilton or some place for a candlestein honeymoon, something happened, and Christina suddenly left Moscow and showed up at her villa in Athens. Well, I haven't had a chance to get through to her on the phone from here in Miami Beach, so I can't say exactly what transpired. With all the nasty reporters and photographers chasing her around, she must be in a terrible snit. The family and us friends are simply telling people that Christina had some business things she needed to take care of before the honeymoon, but frankly, nobody believes this. What we really think is that it suddenly dawned on her that maybe the Russians would try to steal all her boats and in one fell sloop suddenly take over the shipping world. We also think that she had second thoughts about setting up housekeeping in Moscow, in a little flat with his mother, I mean, we couldn't picture Christina washing Sergei's socks and shorts in the kitchen sink and eating borsch on a table covered with an oilcloth, for heaven's sake.

Of course, Christina's in a state. The other day she disappeared and ended up in England for a day, and then flew back to Athens again. Where she'll be tomorrow is anybody's guess. So my problem is, what should she do? Go back to Sergei and his mother and settle down in Moscow and wash his dirty socks? We're also worried that he even might be a Russian spy or something. It would be different, of course, if he were a James Bond or somebody of that ilk, but he doesn't look the type. I think she should get a divorce, go back to Greece and her ships and hang around the poop deck and forget the whole thing. What do you advise?

Concerned

Dear Concerned:

I get letters about petulant shipping heiresses all the time, and frankly I'm fed up. My advice is that Sergei should go down to Athens, grab Christina by the scruff of her attractive neck, drag her back to his mother's place and make her wash those socks.

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