President Ford has not yet caught himself saying to his Vice President, "Short on the back and sides, please, and easy on the bear's grease." And White House Barber Milton Pitts has not yet greeted his customer with "Hiya, fella!" Both could happen though. Pitts is a dead ringer for Nelson Rockefeller, who recently paid a visit to Pitts' shop to exchange pleasantries. "He looks exactly like me but he's better looking," agreed Rocky. Milton concentrated on planning a different crown for his potential new customer. "He needs to have completely different shaping on top. I want it a little shorter on top, a little fuller on the sides, a little lower in the back." He concluded confidently: "I can improve the Vice President's hair a lot." -

Representative Wilbur Mills, 65, was out of the hospital and convalescing at his Arlington, Va., apartment last week, an apparently lonely man. Annabella Battistella, 38, alias Fanne Foxe, was in Connecticut meeting with Author Robin Moore (The Green Berets, The Happy Hooker), who may write an authorized biography of the Washington Tidal Basin Bombshell. "There is some pressure," said Moore, "as apparently Gore Vidal is writing an unauthorized biography," a statement denied by Vidal's publisher. In his preliminary research, Moore has been impressed by the devotion of Wilbur and Anna to each other. "She really does love him, and she wants to marry him." As for Mills: "God, I've never heard a man on the phone go on like that. He said, 'Anything that's good for Anna is good; I'll do anything to help her.' " Mills did not specify details because, he told Moore, "I can't make any mental decisions for three weeks." Meanwhile, Anna is trying to figure out how to pursue her faltering show business career. Said Moore: "She's going to stay away a little from stripping."

Trifles such as a deep freezer and a vicuna coat tainted the Truman and Eisenhower Administrations with charges of petty graft. So when one of President Nixon's speechwriters, William Safire, had an article accepted by the New York Times, he was advised by the President's counsel, John Dean, not to accept the $150 payment, as it might be construed as a conflict of interest. In his new book about the Nixon Administration, Before the Fall, a deadpan Safire--now a Times columnist--recalls his feeling at the time. "That was a good idea, I thought: it was good that we had men like Dean around to make sure nobody did anything criticizable."

"Is it possible?" wailed a disbelieving fan at the news last week. Paul Newman was 50 years old. Looking hardly a day over 40, he breezed through celebrations that included a family lunch in Connecticut at which he was presented with a wicker wheelchair packed with presents. Then Wife Joanne Woodward, 44, gave a party for him in Manhattan. Neil Sedaka sang The Most Beautiful Man in the World and Them There Eyes. Paul camped it up too, declaring:

"I've had only two experiences during my 50 years," he said. "One with Joanne, the other with Redford." And he presented Robert Redford, his co-star in The Sting, with a belated Christmas present --a paperweight that featured a pair of bright blue eyes (just like Paul's) that open and wink when placed under a light, inscribed "Forget Me Not."

Sarah Miles is clearly starring in a movie all her own that could be called Young, Bad and Dangerous. Arriving in Madrid recently to start filming Pepita Jimenez, she quickly alienated the nation. She announced that not only had she never read this famous and popular Andalusian novel about a beautiful widow who entices a young seminarian to the wrong side of the altar; but, she said, she had no intention of doing so now. Then she banned the Spanish language from the set: a clause in her contract stipulated that everyone connected with her in the movie speak English. When a lavish bash was held for her in a swank Madrid nightclub, Sarah showed up hours late wearing a white woolly hat. After the Spanish press had denounced her behavior, Sarah denied any malice aforethought. "I love Spam," she said tearfully. "Why is the world trying to make a monster woman out of me?"

"I'm not a drug fiend, I'm not a drunkard, but I am the laziest man I ever met," joked Artur Rubinstein just a few days before he gave a marathon concert that included two piano concertos. On his 88th birthday, the last of the great romantics on or off the keyboard celebrated with his children and grandchildren and also gave an elfish performance for some 40 friends gathered to toast him in Manhattan. RCA presented him with a chocolate piano with 88 keys. Purring at the adulation, and twinkling much the way he must have in Paris when he was interrupted during Chopin's Nocturne in D by Countess Zamoyska, who suddenly kissed him passionately on the lips, Rubinstein added: "Since 80, I've had the feeling I've been doing nothing but giving encores, and encores have always been the happiest time for me."

The airlines will be pleased to know that Jean Paul Getty, 82, has overcome his fear of flying. Ever since 1942, when the billionaire was traveling by air between Chicago and Tulsa and his plane ran into a tornado, he has been scared. "It was the most frightening thing that ever happened to me," he confided last week to the London Daily Mail, adding that the pilot had not seen such weather in 26 years. Since then Getty has had to rely on such humdrum transport as yachts, private railroad cars and limousines. But safety can be monotonous, and when Getty decided to move permanently from England to his Malibu, Calif., estate this spring, he took his life in his hands. "I will go on a jumbo," he said with bravado, "and I shall probably treat myself to a first-class ticket," which should not dent his fortune, once estimated as $1.5 billion. The usually secretive Getty was surprisingly carefree: "I don't intend to take any pills and I don't drink much--just a glass of wine. Alcohol was never one of my problems."

People should talk more in sexual relationships, opined Masters and Johnson in their new book, The Pleasure Bond. But not about politics, it turns out. Last week Dr. William Masters, 59, and his wife Virginia Johnson, 49, were interviewed on the CBS program Magazine, and inadvertently revealed an intriguing lacuna in their relationship. After 18 years as colleagues and four as husband and wife, Masters and Johnson have never confided to each other their party registration. On learning that Johnson was a Republican, Masters grew quite excited. "Oh, I didn't know that," he said. The discovery yielded no fresh field of research, however. Dr. Masters is also a Republican.

Some actresses wait years for a break, so it does seem unfair that without so much as a screen test, Queen Elizabeth has landed a movie role. Hennessy is a thriller about an I.R.A.-style assassin out to kill the Queen as she opens Parliament. Newsreel shots of Elizabeth performing this annual chore have been spliced with scenes of Killer Rod Steiger stalking her. Those who have seen the rushes rate the Queen as boffo, although her emotional range is by necessity limited. Many Britons object that her appearance might spur a real attempt on her life, but one of Elizabeth's costars, Trevor Howard, dismissed the fuss: "I wouldn't be disloyal enough to take part in a film that actually made the Queen a target."

Does she or doesn't she? And if Nancy Kissinger does, why doesn't Henry like it? Last week Nancy was spotted round Washington, her customary blonde hair dyed a becoming dark brown. "I tried streaks, didn't like them and had it all covered with a five-week rinse," she explained. Henry declined to say whether he preferred his wife blonde or brunette, aware that domestic hostilities can wreck the most carefully wrought foreign policy. Advisories, if not notes, must have been exchanged, however, because Nancy told one admirer, "He hates it. Let's hope it washes out."

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