Caveat Vend/for

Stuck with another lemon? You don't have to be. Instead of sheepishly accepting faulty goods or other raw deals, take your case to small claims court. The cost can be as little as $5, your case will reach trial within weeks, you do not need a lawyer and, best of all, you have a good chance to win.

That hopeful advice to frustrated consumers is offered by Douglas Matthews in a practical, informative new guide to using small claims courts. Sue the B*st*rds, The Victim's Handbook (Arbor House; $2.95) is Matthews' timely alternative to caveat emptor. Small claims court is "the most effective means of complaining available" to the consumer, writes Matthews. "Any citizen, old or young, genius or jackass, can get his grievance heard fairly."

The process begins with the simple knowledge that small claims courts operate on a manageable scale. The legal red tape and intimidating complexity of most courts are absent in small claims. The trial itself usually lasts about five minutes in an informal, even friendly atmosphere. Yet decisions are binding.

For the person who decides to sue, Matthews, 28, a recent Harvard Law graduate, provides a detailed primer covering everything from what to wear in court (older women should avoid floppy hats that might make them look slightly batty) to how to consider offers of out-of-court settlement ("You may find it better to accept a reasonable com promise and be done with the matter"). Matthews instructs his readers to lay a careful groundwork by first trying every means short of court to get satisfaction. Because it can run into money, he advises against subpoenaing witnesses -- unlike those in regular trials, small claims witnesses may send in signed statements instead of personally testifying. Matthews also pleads with his amateur lawyers to stay amateurs in court; nothing irritates a judge more than a novice acting like Perry Mason.

Should the opposition throw a lawyer against you, Matthews argues from personal observation that generally the judge "roots for underdogs." If you win, he outlines ways to collect. Start with polite letters, Matthews advises. "If that doesn't work it's time to call the sheriff." Concludes Matthews: "Win, lose, or draw, following the informal but venerable legal maxim of suing the b*st*rds is certainly better for psyche, soul, and society than letting yourself get steam rollered without a fight."

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