The Bite of B & B

When the New York Times queried its correspondents in search of some campaign wit, one reporter replied last week that "your request for a memo on Nixon's humor is probably the most humorous aspect of the entire situation." It has been that kind of oh-so-serious campaign, and even half a laugh is scarce in most reporters' copy. Fortunately, readers of the Times and other papers can resort to Columnists Russell Baker and Art Buchwald, who seem able to coax a smile and sometimes even a belly laugh out of the most somber events.

Buchwald has been having a ball with the Watergate caper. Last week he fantasied a post-cease-fire briefing--as conducted by Washington's C.R.P. (Committee for the Re-Election of the President)--for Saigon politicos on how to win a Viet Nam reunification election: set up committees like "Viet Cong for Thieu," force special interests to contribute $10 million, protect donors' identity by routing contributions through Mexican banks, and send the money back to Saigon to buy "bugging equipment, miniature cameras, disappearing ink, forged letterheads--all the usual paraphernalia that anyone needs for a free and open election."

Angry Voter. An earlier Buchwald effort dealt with C.R.P.'s Dirty Tricks Department. One Havelock M. Honeycomb reviews a list of shady tactics, then suggests darkly that C.R.P. even hired George McGovern on the sly to make campaign blunders that would widen Nixon's victory margin. After all, says Honeycomb of McGovern, "He is short of money." Another Buchwald column dealt with Nixonian schizophrenia and featured the New Nixon (Dickey) chewing out the Old Nixon (Tricky) for the Watergate bugging, while Tricky laments: "It was the only fun I've had in four years."

While Buchwald mocks with broad burlesque, Baker approaches Campaign '72 in a whimsical fashion that is more serious and sometimes bitter. He describes his joy at being visited by a pollster, only to find that the survey concerns 1980; the present contest was settled in a sampling taken last July, and the 1976 election was decided only the previous week ("You'll be amazed," says the pollster, "how that one came out"). In another column, the average American voter is angry at being accosted by a candidate in a parking lot. "When my worst instincts are appealed to," the voter says, "I want them appealed to on television, in prime time, after some patriotic music and a bout of hypocritical prayer." The nominee promptly pledges that "hypocritical prayer will be the order of the day, and the order of the night too. I promise twice as much hypocrisy every hour."

One of Baker's better pieces tells how the Republicans are so rich that they are turning away millionaire would-be donors at the White House door. One G.O.P. official suggests that the surplus be budgeted for bail bonds--presumably for Watergate wrongdoers--but another has the inspired idea of giving it to McGovern to "increase his visibility and, thus, decrease his vote." Concludes Baker: "As President Nixon's campaign has illustrated, the candidate who succeeds in disappearing entirely this year might very well win in a landslide."

Neither columnist ever gets protest mail from the candidates. Says Baker: "They never concede your existence." Baker claims round-the-clock preoccupation with his column while Buchwald budgets "two days thinking, one hour writing." Inspiration comes from different quarters. Buchwald specializes in satirizing serious front-page stories, but Baker "reads the papers less and less. I consult my entrails and see what I'm disgusted about."

When Election Day finally arrives, for whom will B & B vote? "I try to think of how I can live with a President in terms of humor," says Buchwald, who leans heavily toward McGovern and voted Democratic in 1964 and 1968. "I thought McGovern would be hopeless from a humor standpoint, but he fooled me. The minute that he backed Eagleton 1,000%, I knew I was home free." As for Baker: "I'm going to vote for Hoover--Herbert, of course. I've always voted for Hoover. The longer we go without trying to solve our problems, the better off we'll be." Well, all right, Baker, but to be serious...? "I'm pretty serious about Hoover."

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