It couldn't hurt to ask. So last April, when President Nixon urged the TV networks to help fight narcotics, NBC turned right around and asked him to appear in an antidrug episode of The Name of the Game. Thanks, said the President, but no thanks. Instead, Presidential Adviser Robert Finch, who once considered an acting career, starred in the segment. And waiting in the wings is Spiro Agnew. The Vice President will introduce Red Skelton's new fall show on NBC. Lest he carry this show-business gig too far, Agnew then nixed a Laugh-In stint--even though his boss did a turn with Rowan and Martin in pre-presidential days.

It had the makings of a classic confrontation--the convergence of four female stars in Madrid to film The Trojan Women. A concatenation of cats? A frisson of felines? Not at all. Playing mother hen, Katharine Hepburn (Hecuba) immediately put rebellious Vanessa Redgrave (Andromache) at ease by warmly embracing her when Vanessa arrived with her daughter. Meeting Senevieve Bujold (Cassandra), Katie called her "My child," to which the young Canadian actress responded with a deferential "Madame." Even Greek-born Irene Papas (Helen) was filled with love. Asked how she felt about working with her longtime mentor and friend, Director Michael Cacoyannis, she replied: "That's like asking why you're sleeping with somebody."

Though half blind and half deaf, Argentine Author Jorge Luis Borges, 71, is still pouring out prose and poetry while lecturing and serving as head of Argentina's National Library. Last week, as he became the first winner of the new $25,000 Inter-American Literature Prize, Borges was characteristically modest, though candid: "I am not worthy of this award, but I will, of course, accept it nonetheless." As for the Nobel Prize that it is rumored he will get, he said wryly: "I would accept it greedily --like a Viking."

lust what is legal tender in Britain? Answer: anything you can write a check on--even the backside of a cow. So last week, as a 60th anniversary jape in honor of all the years that Punch's leading humorist, A.P. Herbert, has spent with the magazine, two policemen led a cow into Barclays bank with a -L-5 check written on its hide. Herbert endorsed bossie and collected his money. The drollery may have seemed a trifle fey, but there was a point to it. Herbert, a former M.P. and a crusader for liberalized divorce laws, is best known for his "Misleading Cases" in England's weekly humor magazine. Years ago he argued that the common law does not make clear the nature of legal tender. Thus, he said, anything goes. And he finally proved it.

There's more than one way to collect an IOU. Freelancer Fred Shapiro, for instance, was hired as a speechwriter for Arthur Goldberg, New York's Democratic gubernatorial candidate. Shapiro's credentials for the job were that he had never written a speech before, and that he prided himself on his political virginity--he seldom read past the headlines of political stories. Two weeks and two unsuccessful speeches later he quit, billing the former Supreme Court Justice for $587.50. That was in April, but it wasn't until two days after the September issue of Esquire hit the newsstands that a check for $587.50 arrived in the mail. By no coincidence, the magazine contained an article by Shapiro. Its title: "Arthur Goldberg, You Owe Me $587.50."

Hollywood's professional goody-goody, Doris Day, got caught by the Internal Revenue Service in a nono. Seems that between 1953 and 1957, when the freckle-faced, apple pie a la mode actress was peaking at the box office, she and her late husband, Producer Martin Melcher, were making false business-deal claims on their income tax returns. The U.S. tax court ruled last week that the revenuers had been fooled out of more than $445,000.

His wife, children and 28 grandchildren were well provided for by large trust funds set up during his lifetime. Accordingly, the late Joseph Kennedy willed the bulk of his fortune to the Joseph P. Kennedy Jr. Foundation for the mentally retarded (his eldest daughter Rosemary is mentally retarded). Over and above her trust fund, Rose Kennedy received $500,000 in cash and title to the Standard Building in Albany, N.Y. His two sisters received $25,000 apiece. Estimated size of Kennedy's estate: between $200 million and $400 million.

Secretary of Interior Walter J. Hickel is sporting, of all things, a Spiro Agnew watch--and word spread that it was a gift from the White House. Last week, though, the outspoken former Alaska Governor spiked the rumor. "First of all," he said at a G.O.P. fund-raising dinner, "they wouldn't spend that much money on me; and secondly, they only give watches to people who are retiring. I am not about to retire."

No sooner does Aristotle Onassis lay one rift rumor to rest than he starts another. There was Jackie in New York, there was Ari in Athens, and there was Old Flame Maria Callas vacationing at the nearby isle of Tragonisi. One day Maria decided to throw a beach party. Ari dropped in by helicopter, greeted Maria with a kiss and picnicked away the golden hours with Maria and two other guests. Responding like a Dalmatian to the fire bell, Jackie flew back to Greece, to Onassis, to the yacht Christina, and to squelch rumors.

Richard Helms is director of the Central Intelligence Agency, but he apparently was not keeping tab on what his wife was up to. Until last week, that is, when he brought home a six-pack of beer. "Please don't do that again," scolded Mrs. Helms. An instant teetotaler? No, Mrs. Helms is a founder of a Washington, D.C., antipollution group dedicated to (among other things) stamping out throwaway containers that do not decompose.

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