Dribbling, Senile Fool!

British Book Publisher Peter Wolfe ordered soup in an Italian restaurant, and the waiter served it with his thumb in it. Wordlessly sending it back, Wolfe wished he had had enough Italian to call the waiter "a dribbling, senile fool!" or at least snarl at him: "Tolga il suo sudicio dito dalla minestra!" (Get your dirty thumb out of the soup.)

Reasoning that thousands of frustrated tourists must have the same difficulty, he had an ingenious notion: Why not publish a foreign-language phrase book composed entirely of rebukes and insults? The result is the Wolfe Publishing Co.'s Insult Dictionary, subtitled, "How to Be Abusive in Five Languages," which has already sold some 50,000 copies across the Atlantic, promises to sell thousands more in its forthcoming U.S. edition. With 127 pages of snappish asperities in English, German, French, Italian and Spanish, the Insult Dictionary provides useful tips for conversations with surly cab drivers, arrogant bank tellers, clumsy hairdressers, nose-picking grocers and road hogs.

Examples: "Are your staff all runaways from the asylum?" "I asked for the bill, not the National Budget." "Was this omelette made with pterodactyl eggs?" "This tip is twice as much as you deserve." "Get your slimy hands off my bottom."

For added pepper and spice, Wolfe includes 52 "hard words," all-purpose insults that can be dropped in as needed. Example: "Hairy creep," which is Oiler Leisetreter in German, Troglodyte in French, Stupido scimmione in Italian and Espantapajaros in Spanish. "The insult must flash like lightning," admonishes Wolfe. "It must not be delivered tardily or with the hesitancy which is so often engendered if one is wondering whether or not the last syllable is to be inflected. Again, a slightly mangled pronunciation sometimes gives the insult a macabre quality; it may add to its stunning effect on the insultee--and thus allow you to escape before full comprehension dawns."

Tourists should have no problem knowing when their insult has struck home. They will "immediately notice the sudden contortion of the victim's features, the suffusion of blood to his head, the clasping and unclasping of his hands, the spasmodic twitchings of his whole frame and a number of other outward manifestations of inward disquiet. And surely this will be a sufficient reward?"

He has one warning. When accosting a foreign policeman, only one form is acceptable: "Excuse me, kind, brave and gracious sir, but could you . . ."

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