Relieving Tension. In East Germany, one brand of pills to combat tapeworm includes a note in each package: "It's no use to worry about your health unless at the same time you work to assure world peace."

Happy Returns. In Hamilton, Ont., George Hammer was convicted of forging checks totaling $790 by copying the signatures from Christmas cards friends had sent him.

Anchors Aweigh. In Washington, a U.S. Navy pamphlet titled Executive Future: Officer Candidate School in the Navy comments: "Aircraft carriers are the back bone of a naval task force. They are slower than planes, but, of course, faster than fixed land installations."

Piped Down. In Dearborn, Mich., arrested for punching a cabby in the nose and smashing his car radio, Francis McKenna told the judge: "The driver refused to tune in on a program commemorating our Scotch Poet Robert Burns."

Lunar Probe. In Northfield, N.J., Eileen Bengal, 2 1/2, climbed to the top of a 50-ft. television tower next to her home, when rescued beamed: "I was trying to go to the moon."

Single Lane. In Charleston, W.Va., Mrs. James A. Haught complained to police that three horses trotting along U.S. 35 stepped on her Volkswagen, dented the roof and hood, twisted the radio antenna.

Principle of the Thing. In Spokane, Wash., on his way to jail for drunkenness, one resourceful man noticed parading pickets of striking city workers, dug a union button out of his pocket, cried: "I can't cross the picket line."

Simple Subtraction. In Sunland, Calif., students and teachers at Mount Gleason Junior High School took calmly several telephone threats that a bomb was hidden in the auditorium, since the school has no auditorium.

Out of Bounds. In Huntington, W.Va., arrested after trying to break into a store, recently paroled Jackie Henry told police he was a member of the Moundsville Penitentiary basketball team and was anxious to get back and finish the season.

Sock the Rich. In Albuquerque, District Director Ernest W. Bacon of the Internal Revenue Service received 12-c- from a nine-year-old boy with a note attached: "Allowance, 50-c- per week, 50 times 26 [sic] equals $26; pulling nails, 25-c-; letting Joe hit me, 5-c-; not hitting him back, 3-c- ; cleaning up after dog, 25-c- ; painting doors, 50-c-; total $27.08. Spent all but 12-c-, am sending you and this makes me even."

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