Fitness Report. In London, the Times ran a classified ad: "Tired, bored, lazy army officer resigning from infantry regiment. Incompetent, drinks too much. Seeks employment, not too much work, London area. Age 28, looks 40."

Comeback. In Cleveland, questioned by a policeman, Motorist Theodore Kramer produced his driver's license with the address of the state penitentiary on it, was hauled back to his cell from which he had escaped a week earlier.

Stiff Sentence. In San Marino, Calif., covering the city's first armed robbery since 1952, the Tribune reported: "$40 was wrongfully expropriated."

Stereo. In Haifa, Israel, annoyed by a howling dog, Hi-Fi Fancier Leon Shaudinischky made an hour-long recording of the dog's bark, played it back at full volume, scared the dog away for good.

Members of the Wedding. In London, newly wed Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Cook sued a travel agent for $1,120, charged that he booked them into an exclusive honeymoon hotel room with no bed and hundreds of beetles.

Split Pot. In Detroit, a vice squad broke up a dice game, smashed dice table and chairs, carted the players off to jail, returned later to find that the released players had pieced table and chairs together and renewed the game.

Loco Motive. In Newark, Joseph Matthews, 43, lay down on a railroad track between the rails, slept soundly while an engine roared over him, was awakened and arrested for trespassing.

Horning In. In Rome, N.Y., fined $5 for driving his cab on the sidewalk, Cabby Arthur M. Carr explained that he went to pick up a fare who was having trouble walking straight.

Daily Double. In Seattle, Dorene A. Craig, 25, took out two marriage licenses in one day, explained that she quarreled with the first man, replaced him with the second.

Service Separation. In St. Louis, the city zoo received two Barbary apes from Gibraltar with a note from the U.S. naval liaison officer: "Notify me of their safe arrival at the zoo, so they may be officially discharged from the Royal Army."

Social Climber. In Sequoia National Park, Calif., a big black bear was taken for a long ride into the woods by rangers after he broke into two convertibles and took off food, released the brake of a third car and drove it into a ditch, climbed onto the roof of a lodge and fell through the skylight.

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