English Bull. In Scarborough, Yorkshire, England, while welcoming delegates to the annual conference of Britain's Law Society, the deputy mayor announced that the mayor was out of town, explained: "If he were here, I am sure he would be the first to apologize for his absence."

Diminishing Returns. In Pittsburgh, John James, 19, was arrested for stealing one car, stealing a second to push the first when it broke down, then siphoning gas from a third after the second ran out of gas.

Icy Response. In Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, Frank Erickson was fined $300 after chasing a woman driver with an exhaust whistle on his car going full blast, frightening her so badly she drove her car into a river.

Bristling. In Memphis, Brush Salesman Stanley Brown was fined $153 for trying to force a housewife into her bathtub so that he could demonstrate a back-scrubbing brush.

Up To Scratch. In Alma, Ga., while eloquently orating at a Veterans Day celebration, Lieut. Governor Garland T. Byrd discovered that he was standing in the middle of an ant hill, and that thousands of ants were crawling up his trousers.

Revised Edition. In Carlton, Nottinghamshire, England, Municipal Librarian Herbert Steele urged borrowers not to use books as "teapot stands, towels, mops, grease removers, teething rings, weapons to throw at cats and dogs."

Splitting Hairs. In Spartanburg, S.C., police submitted a report after taking Joe Grier to the hospital: "Lacerated scalp. Ax fell off wall and hit Joe on the head. Joe's ax. Joe's head. No complaints. Investigation complete."

Knuckled Under. In Zurich, Werner Zumbach got a ten-year suspended sentence for cutting off one of his thumbs, trying to cash in on a $46,000 disability-insurance policy.

Clamping Down. In Rotorua, New Zealand, Heslett Thompson, 22, lost his driving license for attacking a pedestrian who walked in front of his car, and biting off a piece of the man's ear.

Soft Cell. In Columbia, S.C., About Face, the newspaper published by the state penitentiary, ran a want ad: "Reporter for fast-growing biweekly in exclusive suburban area on historic Congaree River. No experience needed; will train for the specialized needs of the community; not much to work with, very little compensation, but there is a great deal of security attached to the job."

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