Night Break. In Bonn, a sign on the city-jail gate reads: "Persons wishing to give themselves up will be admitted only weekdays from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m."

Where It Hurts. In Seisdon, England, Town Clerk Arno Romer Baskett explained how overdue rents will be collected from holdout tenants: "We will seize their television sets."

Inheritance Tax. In Los Angeles, Mary L. Hoffman, 48, asked for a divorce from Husband No. 2 because he beat her with a jockey whip, a souvenir from Husband No. 1.

Stillness at Appomattox. In Memphis, Lawyer Robert E. Lee refused to defend Ulysses S. Grant, who was charged with public drunkenness, then explained: "What would people say if I lost the case?"

Lube Job. In Tucson, Ariz., after he was flagged down at a school-zone crossing by an eleven-year-old girl school guard who carefully jotted down his license number, startled Motorist Joe Chin was told: "I'll forget all about it for a quarter."

Disqualified. In San Francisco, after reeling into a bank and demanding some money while hammering on the teller's counter with a wine bottle, James R. Shaw, 51, was released by cops, who reckoned that he was much too drunk to be trying a serious holdup.

Locked Out. In Columbia, S.C., About Face Editor James Bradley was invited to a Greater Columbia United Fund dinner, regretfully declined because of previous commitments, explained that his weekly is published by state penitentiary convicts.

Washed Up. In Los Angeles, Isabel Hernandez, 63, burned up because commuters waiting for buses dropped cigarette butts, papers and other refuse on her front lawn, boarded a bus with her garden hose, doused driver, passengers, seats and coin box.

Misplaced Modifier. In Louisville, while trying energetically to pronounce a difficult word in a Russian-language class, University of Louisville Coed Brooke Johnston dislocated her jaw, had her mouth shut by a doctor, could not open it again for a fortnight, had no recourse but to drop the course.

The Word. In Miami, Lutheran Pastor E. W. Albrecht, who often wondered "if my message gets across," got a phone call from the thief who swiped the church's tape recorder, learned that the conscience-stricken culprit had decided to return the machine after listening to a recorded sermon on repentance.

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