No Tears for Mr. Thomas

Sooner or later in the course of This Is Your Life, it was bound to happen; some hero would come along and kick over the bucket of treacle. It happened last week. The scene: a sports banquet at Manhattan's Hotel Astor. When M.C. Ralph ("Happy") Edwards advanced on Correspondent and World Traveler Lowell Thomas with the familiar, savagely cheerful cry ("This is your life"), Thomas simply refused to play. An old hand at radio and TV himself, Thomas had guessed (like many subjects nowadays) that he had been chosen for the honor of having his life re-created as a half-hour soap opera. Thomas snarled: "I think this is a sinister conspiracy." Edwards dissolved into a nervous giggle from which neither he nor the program ever quite recovered.

Edwards: In retrospect, I think you're going to be happy as your life goes by.

Thomas: I doubt that very much.

As the plot turns to Thomas' youth at Cripple Creek, Colo., an offstage voice booms: "Lowell read every book in father's library." (Thomas recognizes his sister, who comes forward to kiss him.) "Father insisted you learn every rock and mineral up there in the mining camp."

Thomas: I also knew every saloon in that mining camp.

Enter Lowell's wife Frances, while M.C. Edwards prattles on about the Thomas courtship.

Thomas: The truth is that the high school principal stole my girl.

Edwards [visibly staggered]: There are some things that research just doesn't bring out.

Mrs. Thomas moves in to kiss her husband and whisper to him.

Thomas: Want to know what she said? She said, "Must I kiss you here?"

More guests, stories of Thomas' adventures, Edwards' desperate explanations --nothing gets the show back on the rails. Enter Prosper Buranelli, Thomas' short, rotund assistant.

Buranelli: How mad are you?

Thomas: Eh? [He forces a smile and listens to Buranelli's praise.] You've had too many drinks.

Buranelli: Too many! I haven't had enough.

By this time, even the commercial for "Lilt Home Permanent" is out of kilter. Buranelli turns to the audience with a happy, conspiratorial grin: "Let me out!" He is obviously speaking for everyone onstage, including M.C. Edwards.

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