Countdown

Some politicos may get high blood pressure out of the 1960 campaign, but New York's U.S. Senator Kenneth B. Keating, master of well-turned satire, is not likely to be one of them. His aim (with his own term going on through 1964) is to get some fun out of it--particularly at the Democrats' expense. Last week, in a speech before a Republican fund-raising dinner in Danbury, Conn., Republican Keating reviewed "the Democratic Astronautical Missile Program, familiarly known to those of us in the scientific world as DAMP," offered his own tongue-in-cheek countdown on the five leading Democratic candidates for the presidential nomination. Keating's guided missiles:

Minnesota's Hubert Humphrey: "The Hurtling Hubert is a missile of extremely long range. In a test firing last year, the Hurtling Hubert actually reached Soviet Russia, where its communication system kept running at top speed for eight consecutive hours. It is in constant television contact with the earth. Its fuel supply was developed largely in the mid-1930s, and some scientific circles feel a more modern source of thrust is needed."

Massachusetts' John F. Kennedy: "The Eager John, a very glamorous missile. There are those who contend that there is nothing to surpass the sheer beauty of the Eager John, poised on the launching pad in profile against a sunrise shining upon clouds of Gallup polls. The picture becomes even more splendid when the Eager John is accompanied by its graceful satellite missile, the Joyful Jacqueline. The Eager John has a tendency to yaw between North and South, which appears at times to check its forward motion. No expense is being spared, however, in correcting these faults, and the familiar hoffa-hoffa-hoffa sound of the Eager John's mighty engines is certain to be heard in the land, one way or another."

Missouri's Stuart Symington: "The Missouri Fury, a shortrange, antidefense missile. It is true that so far its launching site has been Capitol Hill in Washington, and that nose cones from the Missouri Fury have been recovered regularly at points no more distant than the Pentagon and the White House. Dr. H. S. Truman of Independence, sole architect of the remarkably successful Hot-Shot Harry missile of 1948, heads the small research and development team at work on the Missouri Fury. One desirable feature of the Fury is the fact that it is somewhat quieter than other models in the Democratic family of missiles."

Texas' Lyndon Johnson: "The Texas Titan, a big missile, and it is known to have tremendous thrust. But during the past several months, it has developed vetoes in its fuel system and various other bugs that have come to be known generically as proxmires. It has the best-oiled mechanism of any in DAMP. The Texas Titan is still on the secret list insofar as plans for firing are concerned. The decision will be made upon the basis of weather forecasts at the time--that is, which way the wind is blowing."

Adlai Stevenson: "The Intercontinental Adlai was unsuccessful in its first two firings--at least, it was completely overshadowed by that tried-and-true Republican missile known as the General. While it still shows a tendency to waver in flight, and there is some doubt as to whether its egg-shaped nose cone is the most effective design, the Intercontinental Adlai continues to find much favor among the Democratic scientists. The problem of 'reentry' is the one consideration that really bothers proponents of the Intercontinental Adlai."

For his part, Keating concluded, he would be content with either of the Republican prototype missiles: the Hot Rock or the Roaring Richard.

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