Vanifas

To judge from the wares on the bookstore counters, anyone with a manuscript on his hands can find a publisher these days. Yet every year produces thousands of would-be writers whose work is so dreadful that even the most tolerant publishing firms will not put it in print. For these devotees of letters wait the "vanity presses," which print almost anything--at fees from the authors ranging between about $900 and $6,000. While there is nothing illegal in paying for the pleasure of seeing one's words in print, the Federal Trade Commission objects to vanity publishers who mislead clients into thinking that they may land on the bestseller lists, has obtained consent orders against five firms in two years. Currently, FTC is launching a series of "consumer alerts" to put "naive" authors on guard.

A fascinating example of how the vanity firms work was provided by New York's Exposition Press, one of the leaders in the field, during FTC hearings two years ago. Up to a point, Exposition--which has since entered into a consent order promising to mend its ways--went through the routine of a regular publishing house. But the difference between what an editor reported to Publisher Edward Uhlan and what Uhlan wrote to the author--in persuading him that it was worth his money to have his book published--was both funny and pathetic. Items from the FTC hearings:

Report to Uhlan: "This book is dated, dreadfully written and sentimental in tone ... I can't think of any general sales possibilities for this book . . . This is probably autobiographical fiction, since the details of military-school life are exhaustively gone into, and the author is far from inventive."

Uhlan Letter to Author: "The editorial reports that have come to my attention have been most favorable. After going over it myself, I am pleased to find that I agree with what has been said. Two Years Under Arms is a tribute to the enthusiasm, the vigor, the beauty of youth."

sb

Report to Uhlan: "This is the worst book I have ever edited. It is incoherent, illiterate, without sense, reason, or simple understanding . . . This is literally an insane book on the need of men to look to God . . . It should be buried quickly, for the insanity and hysteria and illiteracy make it a menace to Exposition Press."

Uhlan to Author: "Your literary style is like the Gospels, and like the writing in the New Testament, it is clear, simple and sincere . . . Your book is for now and tomorrow."

sb

Report to Uhlan: "Stupid fairy stories."

Uhlan to Author: "We are delighted with your children's stories." -

Publisher Uhlan was raised in Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen, got into "the business of getting something out of someone for a price" while living in city convalescent homes after a crippling attack of polio at the age of four. "With the contents of food packages my mother had sent me," he wrote in his vanity-published autobiography, Rogue of Publishers' Row, "I inveigled a fascinating storyteller among the older boys into spinning yarns for me. A chocolate bar was good for Jack and the Beanstalk; a banana would buy Bluebeard or The King of the Golden River . . . My friend, however, was a cold-blooded proposition; as soon as he got his fists on my food, he'd quit . . . Today the tables are turned. The yarn spinners now pay me."

Uhlan blandly admits that his authors can expect little more than self-satisfaction out of having him publish their work. "All I offer is immortality,'' he says. "Most of the authors are over 70, and they know they'll get it soon."

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