Re Tort. In London, attempting to point up the "rather monotonous English style in legal documents," the Law Society's Gazette printed a letter written by an Indian lawyer to a client: "Dear Sir, Unless you pay the rupees within seven days, we shall take such steps as will cause you the utmost damned astonishment."

Prolechariot. In Peking, the Communist press announced the production of a new, de luxe Chinese motorcar--an eight-cylinder, air-conditioned sedan with silk rug carpeting and a scented mahogany dashboard.

Bench Mark. In Istanbul, Judge Tarik Onan disqualified himself from hearing the case of Pickpocket Hikmet Kaya because it was the judge's pocket that Kaya had picked.

Mr. & Misfire. In Euclid, Ohio, when police flagged down two cars for drag racing and asked Louis Dommer if he knew the driver of the other car, Louis said: "Yes, sir, it's my wife."

Gas Bank. In Joplin, Mo., when Audrey Pope wanted to get at her savings in order to help pay the enrollment fee and tuition at Joplin Junior College, mechanics removed $85.10 in small change from the fuel tank of her car.

Stein Way. In Berwick-upon-Tweed, England, crewmen from a German timber freighter said they had run out of water during their voyage, but had been able to finish the trip on beer.

Hybrid. In New Britain, Conn., when police asked William Stubbs, 23, what he was doing up a cherry tree, he explained that he was looking for apples.

Shot Rod. In Gary, Ind., when police discovered Guy Thomas' car sitting in the middle of a street with a dead battery, cardboard license plates, no brakes and no gearshift, Thomas explained that he was "just waiting for a push."

Sisters Superior. In Gulu, Uganda, when burglar Alexander Oolo broke into a convent, six nuns jumped him, knocked him down, tied him up and sat on him until police arrived.

Self-Appraisal. In Torrington, Conn., refusing to accept a proposed increase in salary, City Employee Raymond Over said the raise was "one of the most irresponsible government acts I had ever seen."

Night of the Garter. In Alcester, England, visitors waiting to see the Marquess of Hertford's gothic Ragley Hall illuminated by floodlights, stood before the ancient home in darkness as a single window lighted up, illuminating the forgetful marquess, who took off all his clothes unaware of being watched.

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