The Real Dope. In Manhattan, Dishwasher Ping Wing, 72, arrested for possession of narcotics, told police: "I've been using heroin for 55 years, and I've never felt better."

Stamped Out. In Kodara Village, Japan, Local Postmaster Seiichi Higashiza-wa, 33, short of government funds and faced with a visit by inspectors, burned down the post office.

Ringworm. In Toronto, Mildred Put-nik, 28, testified that when she returned her engagement ring to ex-Fiance James Kuca three days after he gave it to her, he made her pay $100 for depreciation.

Billy Doux. In Tryon, N.C., 14-year-old Billy Rockman auctioned off his entire collection of love letters for a local Red Cross drive, got 27-c- for the hottest item, addressed to "Sugar Doll."

Double Header. In Charmes, France, rescuers called a physician to treat Raymond Bralley, 54, who had stumbled in the dark and fallen into a stream, saw the doctor arrive, stumble in the dark, fall into the stream.

Clean Haul. In Washington, D.C., Laundry Truck Driver Howard Henry Coleman, 28, arrested for stealing three tons of hotel and restaurant tablecloths and selling them to junk dealers as old rags, explained: "I only took the really dirty ones."

Sharp Competition. In Tirana, Italy, long mystified by sudden blackouts of local TV sets when good programs were scheduled, police discovered that the coaxial cable was being cut with an ax, finally arrested Movie House Owner Marco Soltoggio.

Fresh Start. In Lyon, France, Railroad Employee Roger Clavey-Rolles, 35, charged with breaking into a woman passenger's sleeping compartment on the Narbonne-Paris Express, explained to police: "I wanted to begin the year in good company."

Sweepstakes. In Detroit, three thieves robbed a grocery of beer, wine and assorted meats, realized they would leave tracks in the snow, took a broom from a rack and carefully erased their footprints as they went, were caught anyway by police, who simply followed broom marks to the right door.

Financial Statement. In Buffalo, Wyo., City Clerk Carl Kaltenbach received an overtime parking ticket, 21-c- and a note: "This is all the money I had. Please appreciate the fact that I lost a quarter in a pinball machine, bought a cup of coffee, pushed my car out of town and am now in the process of selling it. Thank you. I owe you 29-c-."

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