Smoke Signal. In Sydney, Australia, August Moritz set his house afire, fed the blaze with four drums of gas, explained: "My wife left me and I thought she'd return if I did something spectacular."

Fare Deal. In Madison, Wis., Elmer Davis, 32, was sentenced to 90 days in jail after he told police that he stole a taxicab because he got tired of waiting for one.

Self-Sealing. In Washington, D.C., after the alcoholic control board charged Tavern Keeper Robert W. Weil, 41, with serving liquor to a drunk, the board identified the drunk as Weil himself.

Standing Offer. In San Bernardino, Calif., Municipal Judge Harold H. Haberkorn ruled that a person cannot be charged with gambling at a dice game (technically, he is only a visitor) as long as he does not get down on his knees.

Photo Finish. In Paris, ex-Convict Abd-El Kader Herkous, 23, was back in jail after he staged a new burglary and dropped, while escaping, a full-face photograph of himself.

Food Fare. In Springfield, Ohio, Dr. C. H. Robertson, scheduled to address a Natural Food Associates meeting on the subject of proper diet, canceled his appearance because of food poisoning.

Titleholder. In Baltimore, Patrice W. Green, 20, was awarded a divorce after she testified that a private detective had trailed her husband with another woman to a movie theater showing This Could Be the Night.

Paperweight. In Laurens, Iowa, thieves smashed open the high-school safe, took $600 in cash, left another $115 placed in an envelope marked: "This belongs to Mrs. Joe Workman--Hands Off."

Plane Angle. In San Francisco, three teen-age boys confessed to FBI agents that they had phoned a bomb hoax postponing a South America-bound Pan American plane for three hours because they wanted more time to bid tender farewell to a girl passenger.

Fire Escape. In Tel Aviv, Israel, after he was denied any further time to pay his income tax and was threatened with court proceedings, Moshe Tabatznik set fire to the files in the tax collector's office, destroyed 500--but not his own.

Back Pains. In San Jose, Calif., after he escaped from jail, was recaptured, brought to court and informed by the judge that he was "a very disturbed man," Robert A. Evans retorted: "You'd be disturbed too if you were running down the street with people shooting at you."

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