All in the Family. In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., two young waitresses got into conversation in their attorney's office where both were filing divorce suits, learned that each had the same complaint--a wife-beating husband--also that each had the same husband, filed bigamy charges instead.

Professional Liability. In Los Angeles, arrested for practicing medicine without a license, and posing as a "nutritional expert," 84-lb. William Buchanan was spared a jail sentence when the court found him suffering from malnutrition.

After Due Consideration. In Madison, Wis., after she deliberately backed into her husband's car, Mrs. Erwin Heldt told the cops: "I did it because he bumped into mine last week."

The Hole Truth. In Long Beach, Calif., arrested after he made off with a truckload of doughnuts, Sailor Robert Horn-stead, 22, told cops: "I don't know why I did it; I don't even like doughnuts."

Time for a Change. In Anderson, S.C., charged with malicious mischief after he set off two sticks of dynamite at a political rally, ex-Convict Andes ("Footsie") Wood explained to cops: "I did it just to liven up the meeting a bit. I couldn't see who was talking from where I was."

Open Verdict. In Cincinnati, after firing Meter Reader Robert V. Lyons when he was charged with stabbing Mrs. Audrey Evers Pugh on a meter-reading visit to her home, the civil service commission gave as its reason for his dismissal: "Discourtesy to the public and failure of good behavior."

Tale of the Tub. In Wolverhampton, England, Dr. Sidney C. Dyke blamed Britain's threatened water shortage on "the cult of the domestic bath," wrote to the British -Medical Journal: "It is an obvious fallacy that frequent immersion in hot water has any hygienic value whatsoever. Its appeal is purely sensuous."

Homework. In Hemet, Calif., a schoolboy dropped into a stationery store, browsed around, sheepishly asked the clerk: "Have you got any blank report cards?"

Are You from Dixie? In Tampa, annoyed by being forced into street fights with strangers, Ohio-born Robert E. Lee complained to U.S. deputy marshals: "Every time I tell them my name down here, they knock me down. They think I'm being sacrilegious or something."

Land of Order. Near Opotiki, N.Z., after his house slipped 300 feet down a hill, indignant British Immigrant M.A. Emerson cried: "Things like this do not happen in England!"

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