Two for the Show. In Des Moines, Federal revenooers socked Barmaid Ruth Shepler with a claim for $44,693.84 in back taxes, insisted that her feat of balancing two to four glasses of beer on her breasts as she goes about her work constitutes "entertainment," thus subjects her tavern to the 20% U.S. cabaret tax.

Professional Handicap. In New York City, the Daily News carried a classified ad: "Funeral Parlor, established 45 years, fully equipped, selling due to death."

Beyond the Call. In St. Marys, W. Va., after the operator refused to return his dime when he complained of a poor connection, Truck Driver Myles Milton yanked the phone off the wall, smashed it on the floor, told police: "I was tired."

The Correspondent. In Mexico, N.Y., encouraged by Teacher Lucy Salley to discuss local news, a second-grader stood up before the class, reported: "Last night my mother had a baby, and now I think my aunt's coming down with it."

Uddermost. In Gillingham, England, Farmer Henry Haskett was haled into court for carrying a piano in a truck insured only for agricultural use, claimed it was a farm implement, explained to the judge: "Twice a day my wife and son take turns playing soothing music at milking time. Some cows won't yield milk unless they are kept amused."

Washout. In Benton, Ky., the city council passed an ordinance setting a $5 fine for "shooting, firing or squirting a water pistol inside city limits," set a $25 fine on water-pistol vending.

Tiptoe Through the Tulips. In Trenton, N.J., the Medical Society of New Jersey advised middle-aged amateur gardeners to take it easy: "The aim is to dig flower beds, not graves; the result should be a summer of flowery pleasure, not an eternity of repose."

Good Intentions. In Manchester, England, haled into court for drunkenness after he was found slumped over his barrel organ in front of a bar, Organ Grinder Stephen Treverton explained to the judge: "It wasn't my fault; they kept giving me beer instead of money."

Civil Liberties. In Albuquerque, City Health Director Wayne Stell asked some celebrators of the city's 250th anniversary not to grow beards longer than six inches: "If they let 'em get any longer, we may have to require those who are food handlers to wear snoods."

The Talents. In Providence, the Jour nal carried a classified ad: "PREACHER-EVANGELIST, former thief and alcoholic, desires employment. Experienced truck driver. Will consider any honest labor."

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