This Is the Army. In Portland, Ore., after evading the draft for five years, Paul Emerson Maier, 26, was nabbed by the FBI, delivered to the local induction center, where he was rejected as 4-F.

End of the Line. In Toledo, when a jittery woman passenger screamed every time the bus came to a halt, Driver Emily Jefferson finally stopped the bus for good, told her: "You make me nervous. I quit."

The Promise. In Nashville, Retail Liquor Distributor Howard Johnson asked state authorities to register his five-year-old whisky: "Old Something."

Member of the Wedding. In Boston, seeking annulment of her marriage to William Jordan, Mrs. Margaret H. Jordan testified that she dozed off during their wedding banquet, awoke to find that bridegroom and guests had departed, did not see Jordan again until five years later.

Planned Economy. In Thurso, Scotland, the town council inspected Andrew McPhee's municipally owned three-room house, decided he needed more space after learning he shared his home with 21 relatives to cut down expenses.

O Pioneers. In Seattle, the Alaska-Yukon Pioneers and The Ladies of the Golden North called off a scheduled meeting because of "bad weather."

Sunshine Syndrome. In Weymouth, England, charged with speeding. Psychiatrist Robert Stansfield explained: "The sunshine, the clear road, and the additional stimulus of the car behind me (not recognizable as a police car) undoubtedly gave added impetus to my psyche," nevertheless had to pay a -L-2 ($5.60) fine.

Husband's Mite. In Hamilton, Ohio, denying charges of nonsupport, Edison Hughes was asked what he had given his family, answered, "Well, I took some wine home to settle the wife's nerves," got six months in jail.

T.K.O. In Toronto, Ont., making his first public appearance, Prizefighter Les Stork entered the ring, took one look at his opponent and passed out.

Interim Note. In Anchorage, Alaska, the Times carried this classified ad: "YOUNG MAN . . . sober at present . . . not proud, will even take the janitor's job. Sixteen years schooling, same room, same class, married the teacher . . ."

Freely Speaking. In Mercedes, Texas, showing the film Quo Vadis, the operator of the Wes-Mer Drive-In theater decided that a translation was necessary, on the marquee put "Doonde Vas" for his Mexican customers, "Where You All Goin' " for the Texans.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.