The Old Story. In Hamilton, Ont., as he left with his bride Lucy, 78, for a two-week honeymoon, Paul Wilson, 84, happily told reporters how it all began: "We met in the park just four weeks ago. I was sitting on a bench when I noticed a woman beside me. As I turned to look . . . she winked ..."

Arms & the Man. In Johannesburg, South Africa, when seven armed holdup men entered his store, Grocer James Christopher started bombarding the bandits with two-pound cans of lemon drops, routed them after scoring six direct hits.

The Competition. In Wickenburg, Ariz., Chevrolet Dealer Bernard Hill proudly decorated his new showroom with wallpaper featuring illustrations of old-model automobiles, discovered too late that the old models were all Fords.

Gentleman's Agreement. In Los Angeles, after forcing Grocery Clerk George Albert to hand over $1,263.61 in a paper bag, a gunman eyed his loot, remarked: "It don't look like a lot, but you can report it as $10,000. If they catch me, I'll confess to that sum. Are you happy?"

The Young in Heart. In Atlanta, after the city council legalized teen-age nighttime parking in city parks, the ordinance's sponsor, Councilman John A. White, 54, declared: "Why, I'd be out there myself if I was a single man . . ."

Nickname. In Liverpool, England, a local bank honored a check made out to "NWGBLGGHRHBSL 1," after learning that the leters stood for North West Gas Board, Liverpool Group, Group Headquarters, Radiant House, Bold Street, Liverpool 1.

The Balanced Scale. In Cape Town, South Africa, playing hooky from school, 13-year-old Peter Schroder rescued a marooned kitten from a 60-ft. pine tree, got 1) a $1.50 reward from the grateful owner, 2) a medal from the Animal Welfare Society, 3) a sound thrashing from his headmaster, who said: "Peter is a hero, but if he plays truant, he must also take his medicine."

The Buildup. In Denver, Mrs. Erma R. Gentle, 27, won an interlocutory divorce after testifying that her husband John spent all his money on hobbies, once exercised so diligently with bar bells that he was too exhausted to do anything else.

Time for a Change. In Newport News, Va., looking for a buyer, Jim Elliott described his truck in a Press ad: ". . . Perfect condition except rear end roars and grinds to deafening, nerve-racking extent. Leaks grease . . . uses oil excessively, engine knocks . . . erratic steering, no stability on road . . . brakes grab, water leaks out. Will sell as is--no guarantee ..."

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