Beginner's Luck. In East St. Lous, Ill., convicted of stealing a single-engine airplane and flying it 95 miles before coming down unscathed, Farm Hand Charles G. Smeltzer explained that he had gone to the airport, climbed into the plane, "pulled on a few gadgets . . . and before I knew it, I was up in the air." Love's Old Sweet Song. In Knoxville, Tenn., John E. Weaver, filing a countersuit for divorce against Hattie Weaver, claimed she wrote a song describing their marriage entitled Thirty Years in Hell.

Help Wanted. In Johnson City, N.Y., the All Saints' Episcopal Church bulletin ran an advertisement asking for choir singers, Sunday-school teachers and "Wor shipers (300) -- Fill pews at 8 and 11 ; exp. unnec., but exp. wrshprs get better results . . . Pay same for all jobs but can be collected only from treasures up in Heaven."

Any Q...s? In Mulvana, Kans., harassed by friends who wanted to know about his visit to Fort Sill, Okla., Aircraft Worker Les Jennings distributed a mimeographed report: "I saw (and touched) one of the new atomic guns. It is....and has a ...., which does not but....if it is so desired. It.... eighs and 13 oz., without......It has 163......s."

Babes in the Woods. Near Elmira, N.Y., after 200 volunteer searchers spent the night frantically combing the woods for them, Faith Wheelock, n, and her sister, 5, returned from their "camping trip" and complained: "We had a hard time getting to sleep. All those people kept crashing around in the brush."

Tactical Diversion. In Cleveland, Henry L. Leffingwell, director of the city's animal protective league, got a telephone call from a woman who asked if she could borrow a dog, explaining: "I've got fleas. I thought one of your dogs could roam around the house a couple of days and pick them up."

The Age of Anxiety. In Tulsa, Okla., Mink Breeder Everett J. Dillon, filing a claim against the city for $6,736, charged that construction of a sewer line across his property had made his minks nervous, reduced the number of their offspring by 90%.

Testimonial. In Adelaide, Australia, explaining why the Springfield Brewery lost $38,354 in 1952, Board Chairman P. B. Angas Parsons -told shareholders: "The beer . . . was something appalling, just dreadful. Some of it was completely undrinkable, a good substitute for vinegar."

Harem-Scarem. In Indianapolis, Truck Driver George D. Lewis was arrested after Mrs. Ellouise Lewis and Mrs. Mildred Laverne Lewis announced that he not only married them both, but insisted that they live together after they found out about it.

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