Now You Know

What is dialectical materialism, the method of argument so dear to the Communist heart? The anti-Communist magazine Tarantel in Berlin gave the answer in the form of an anecdote. A priest, it seems, was explaining the matter to his parishioners. "Suppose," he said, "a clean man and a dirty man were each offered a bath. Which do you think would take it?" "The dirty one," answered his flock at once. "Oh no." said the priest. "The clean one took the bath, because he was used to being clean and the other used to being dirty. Now do you understand dialectical materialism?"

The parishioners shook their heads. The priest repeated his proposition once more. "Now, who took the bath?" "The clean one," answered his flock. "Oh no," said the priest. "The dirty one, because he needed it." Once more the congregation shook their heads in bewilderment and mounting annoyance.

"Well," said the priest once again. "A clean man and a dirty man were each offered a bath. Now, which would take it?" "Ah," answered his flock with sudden inspiration, "both." "No, no," said the priest, "neither would take it, because the one was already clean and the other preferred his dirt. Now, for the last time, which man would take the bath?" "Neither," answered his congregation as one man.

"You are wrong again," said the priest. "Both would take the bath, because the clean man liked to bathe and the dirty one needed to. Now do you understand dialectical materialism?"

"How can we understand when you give us a different answer every time?" cried an indignant student. "Ah," said the priest, "that is dialectical materialism."

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