Swindle in the Dark

To many a Parisian, the romantic arrangements of Auguste Chaussumier, salesman of pinball machines, must have seemed ideal and idyllic. Little Auguste had a lovely mistress, and the mistress had a husband who was safely employed some 3,000 miles away from Paris, in the Cameroons. Even Lucienne, the light of Auguste's love, thought the arrangement was pretty sound. But Salesman Auguste was as conventional as he was devoted: he wanted only to marry his mistress.

One day Auguste chanced to meet a sad-eyed seer who called himself Professor Pedro--"Expert in Things Occult." The professor listened sympathetically to Auguste's tale of woe, and bemoaned with him the cruel fate which kept lovers apart. "If only," blurted Auguste at last, "that husband would drop dead!" Well, murmured the professor soothingly, why not? A few hints dropped here & there to the right people in the spirit world--all the professor needed to do the job, in fact, was two pigeon hearts and 27,000 francs. Auguste procured both items.

"Well," happy Auguste told some friends soon afterward, "I'm soon going to marry a young widow." Lucienne dimpled prettily: "Ah, but I'm not a young widow." "Aha," countered Auguste roguishly, "but you soon will be."

The best of bridegrooms' plans sometimes go astray. A short time later, Lucienne got a letter from her husband saying he was in the best of health and hoped to be home soon. Auguste raced to Professor Pedro. "Has your mistress ever held your watch in her hand?" the professor asked. "Oh, yes," said Auguste. "Then," said the professor, "give me the watch." From then on, Auguste's watch made it easier for Professor Pedro to tell time, but it brought Auguste no closer to his wedding day.

At last the professor agreed to call in a consultant. Madame Viviana, a cheerful, blowzy blonde with a wide circle of friends in the spirit world, was confident that she could do away with anyone's husband with the aid of four chicken hearts and a measly 54,000 francs. Auguste produced the desired articles, obediently stuck pins in wax candles at Viviana's command, and waited. In almost no time, Lucienne's husband, bursting with health, returned from the Cameroons to his willing wife, who no longer had time for Auguste.

Crestfallen and dejected, Salesman Auguste could only moan: "There ought to be a law ..." Well, maybe there was. Last week blonde Madame Viviana and Professor Pedro were haled to a Paris criminal court by Auguste Chaussumier, whose mistress' husband they had failed to kill. "For what does he reproach them?" demanded the defense attorney. "His wish was at least as immoral as their actions. And if they had not offered their services, who knows but what Chaussumier might have gone to a professional killer?"

"In that case," said the judge, "there might have been some results." Verdict on Pedro and Viviana: guilty of swindling. Sentence: eight months (suspended), 120,000 francs fine and damages--including the price of a watch.

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