In a Haystack. In Columbus, Ohio, when the state penitentiary's commissary was looted of 50 cartons of cigarettes and assorted boxes of candy, Warden Ralph W. Alvis announced sternly: "There's a thief in here somewhere."

Shock Treatment. In Glasgow, Scotland, George Patterson tried 51 remedies, finally stopped a ten-day attack of hiccups with a draft of hot mustard and cold water.

Fine Print. In Los Angeles, Percy T. Martin willed life incomes of $300 a month to two women he identified as "friends," but stipulated that they remain unmarried, and refrain from "living with any man out of wedlock, or making any use of tobacco or alcoholic beverages or liquors."

To Conform. In Cincinnati, Charles Atkins, 22, stole three white-wall tires, explained to police: "I found one and I needed three more to match it."

Prepared Position. In Kings Lynn, England, Private Anthony Rose forged his own death certificate, explained when arrested that he didn't like life in the army.

The Criminal Mind. In St. Paul, thieves lugged off 450 2-ft.-square concrete sidewalk blocks weighing a total of 16 tons.

Conditioned Reflex. In Melbourne, Australia, Thomas Joseph O'Shea was freed on a charge of insulting a policeman after he told the judge that his cough, and not the passing cop, had made him stick out his tongue.

Man Around the House. In Trenton, N.J., the State Board of Child Welfare rejected a suggestion that a deserted father be allowed to draw welfare payments, resolved instead that he "arrange for an adequate female to provide suitable care for his children while he continues to be productive and independent."

Specialized Need. In Ft. Wayne, Ind., the Better Business Bureau received a call from a woman who wanted to know the name of a shyster lawyer, because "I figure it will take a crooked one to win this case."

Silver Cord. In Los Angeles, Mrs. Peter Hoffman told the judge in a divorce suit against a fourth husband that she used to call her mother every half-hour when she went out, because "Mother always wanted to know that I was quite all right."

Art. In Karlsruhe, Germany, the Triumph brassiere firm invoked a law against plagiarizing works of art to sue a competitor for copying its patterns, lost its case when the judge ruled that "that which goes into a brassiere is a work of art, but not the brassiere itself."

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