"You'll Simply Drool"

As a special journalism project at the University of New Mexico, a senior named Joe Aaron wrote a thesis on classified ads in newspapers. In a survey of 8,000 ads in eight major U.S. dailies,* he found no sectional differences in language, except for "smog free" California real estate. A house is "cute," "a cutie," "adorable," "exquisite," "elegant," "a dandy," "magnificent," "glamorous," "spic & span," "clean as a pin," "a rare find"--and inevitably near everything and a "real bargain." A farm is never a farm but "a rural hideaway," "rustic retreat," or "secluded estate."

Many ads are in a kind of code. Prime example, from the Washington Star: "Pack, '51 dlx 4 dr, ultra, R.H., 1262 act mi." (Translation: 1951 Packard four-door deluxe with Ultramatic Drive, radio and heater, has been driven 1262 actual miles.) From the Denver Post: "New Ig Iv rm, frpl, 2 bdrm, Ig kt, exp attic cel gar." (Translation: a new house with a large living room with fireplace, two bedrooms, large kitchen, expansion attic and cellar garage.) Automobiles are "jim dandy," "slick as a whistle," "A-i," "just like new," "never a wreck," "peachy keen," and "loaded" (all the extras). The highest praise: "You'll simply drool."

Help Wanted ads seldom offer jobs--only "openings" and "positions." Babies to be cared for are always "darlings." Lost dogs are inevitably "the pet of an invalid grandmother" or belong to a "heartbroken little girl." Dogs for sale are recommended variously in classified newspaper ads as "love that money can't buy," "darlings," "cuddlies," and "swell pets." Most refined touch: a bitch with a litter of pups listed as a "matron."

* The Philadelphia Bulletin, Los Angeles Times, Denver Post, Houston Chronicle, New York Herald Tribune, Washington Star, Birmingham News, Kansas City Star.

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