Offensive. In Sacramento, Calif., Margaret Patterson explained to police how she had been able to drive off a thug who tried to hold her up: "I just laughed at him."

See? In Memphis, Charles Sanders Jr. landed in a hospital, learned that he had been hit by a truck while trying to prove to friends that he "could walk home blindfolded."

Hard Cure. In Kansas City, Kans., Nick Albert Isaacs confessed that he had attempted a bank robbery because he needed money to make good a bad check.

Ration. In Wild Cat Corner, N.C., Mrs. Robert Ivey, charged with buying and reselling one gallon of whiskey every day, protested: "I drink every bit of that gallon myself."

Economics Lesson. In Manhattan, when David Feldman was asked by the court how he had managed to save $6,410 in seven years while working as a bootblack, he explained: "I was on relief."

Package Deal. In Chicago, Landlord John Bardo had a complaint to make in court: his tenant, Mrs. Pecia Stranc, refused to pay rent unless he married her.

Q.E.D. In St. Joseph, Mo., Mrs. Ernestine McCurry, 72, tried hard but failed to prove to police that she was sober, by 1) standing on her head, 2) doing a fast tap-dance routine, 3) climbing her cell bars, hand-over-hand, to the ceiling.

Uninhibited. In Salem, Ore., police were looking for the unsuperstitious thief who swiped an eight-ball from a local pool room.

Mark of Affection. In Long Beach, Calif., Seaman Rudolphus Hill refused to prosecute the jealous lady friend who had laid his scalp open with a beer bottle: he was "happy to know I affect women that way."

The Criminal Mind. In Salmon, Idaho, G.I. Hurley reported to police that someone had stacked all his furniture by the front steps, stolen the house. In Winnipeg, thieves broke into a house, took nothing but the kitchen sink.

Stop, Look. In Bakersfield, Calif., the Santa Fe Railway pleaded guilty, paid a $25 fine for blocking traffic.

Scuttled. In Croydon, England, Vice Admiral Sir John Edgell took a careful second look at his notes, abruptly ended his speech before the Royal Navy Old Comrades Association with a confession: "By mistake I brought a shopping list my wife gave me . . ."

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.