Beware of the Child. In Dallas, a distraught woman complained to police that a three-year-old child kept biting her great Dane.

Worldly Goods. In Berkeley, Calif., James D. Morton explained to the judge why his traffic fine had not been paid: he had given his wife the money to do it, and she had used it for a down payment on a divorce.

Benefit. In Nebraska City, Neb., the Junior Chamber of Commerce spent three months planning a benefit horse show, finally gave it, grossed $10,435.73, spent $10,435.41, turned the 32-c- profit over to charity.

Disturbance. In Mexico City, Valentin Gernilla Herida leaped to rescue a friend being mauled by a bear at the zoo, shot the bear, was arrested and fined 2,280 pesos (about $470).

Progressive Education. In Baton Rouge, Stanford and Loyola Bardwell, who named their first four children Stanford Jr., Tulane, Duke and Harvard, named their fifth Princeton.

Cruel & Unusual. In Providence, Inventor Vincent de Cesaris was working on a burglar alarm which would emit the recorded shrieks of Cinemactress Lauren Bacall and Chanteuse Hildegarde.

All in the Family. In Melbourne, John Desmond Withers explained why he had stolen $11 from his fiancee: he needed the money for her engagement ring.

The Amenities. In Vancouver, B.C., a stickup man entered Glen Holm's cigar-store and 1) took $63 from the cash register, 2) ordered a package of gum, 3) paid for it with a $2 bill, 4) got his change and left.

Authority. In Cleveland, Ike Lee admitted selling policy slips, tried to defend himself by quoting Scripture--Daniel 8: 25, "And through his policy also he shall cause craft to prosper in his hand."

Innovator. In Paris, Alfredo Bindi tried, but failed, to commit suicide by devouring his suspenders.

Short. In Wichita, a two-pound package from China arrived, bearing postage of $1,195,000 (Chinese), was held up in the post office for lack of sufficient postage (15-c- more).

Mayhem & Haw. In Murfreesboro, Tenn., Herman Robertson sued Clyde Hunter for $1,500 damages, declared that Hunter had bitten off his lip, and that consequently his plow mule no longer understood his directions.

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