Be A Columnist

Prancing into Manhattan's Loew's State theatre last fortnight went all that is left of big-time U. S. vaudeville. It was a troupe of seven energetic young cinemactors and actresses led by a columnist--Hearst's triple-threat Hollywood gossip dispenser, roly-poly Louella O. ("Lolly") Parsons. On this, her second cross-country junket, Lolly Parsons was again proving that a columnist's best business is his vaudeville, that vaudeville's best business is its columnists.

The columnist act was born last year in the mind of Hollywood Agent Leo Morrison, who proposed it to Lolly, the logical choice. After her husband, Dr. Harry ("my favorite doctor") Martin, approved, Morrison hired Cinemauthor Edgar Allan Woolf to cook up a skit. First problem was to get actors, but that was no trouble for Columnist Lolly, whose more than 400 daily outlets and strong Hearst connections are a potent argument in any studio discussion. Before long she had lined up Starlets Jane Wyman, Arleen Whelan, Susan Hayward, June Preisser, Warners' bit player Ronald Reagan for male contrast, Fox Press Agent Jack Mulcahy to manage the outfit--all borrowed at their regular studio salaries instead of the higher price usually paid for loan-outs. Happy Agent Morrison quickly booked them in seven cities at a flat rate of $7,500 weekly, $3,300 of which was all Lolly's.

The trip got off to a ragged start in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, where movie actors are no novelty; but roaring business farther east precipitated a slight internal explosion when the members were forced to do five or six shows daily instead of the agreed four. Lolly soon quelled the uprising (her column is the most frightening bludgeon in Hollywood), thereafter kept things going swimmingly. In Manhattan on Christmas Day she spread cheer with a party for her "children," presented the girls with $150 evening dresses, the boys with equally expensive remembrances. Camaraderie eventually spread to the point where Actor Reagan and Actress Wyman decided to marry, were given a wedding by Lolly.

Back home other columnists heard of Lolly's killing, and before long she had male competitors in the field as Ed Sullivan and Jimmie Fidler set out with junkets of their own. Neither packed them in, but Fidler drew $3,500 weekly for his trouble, Sullivan $2,500.

This year Lolly's tour, promoted by Music Corporation of America, is abroad with a new cast, including Sabu, Binnie Barnes, Brenda Joyce, Ilona Massey.

While audiences squeal and cheer at the sight of flesh-&-blood performers, singing, dancing, miming, Lolly sits nervously at a desk backstage, interrupts to read newsy telegrams. When possible she answers audience questions on her age ("neither as old as May Robson nor as young as Shirley Temple"), whether Dorothy Lamour's sarong has a zipper. Before she is through she will visit Philadelphia, Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, bear out the observation of her archenemy, Columnist Hedda Hopper, who once cracked: "They ought to change the old adage to 'Be a columnist and see the world. "

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