Legal Will Rogers

" 'Get Lit at the Lighthouse' is no fit sign to hang outside a saloon. If I allowed you to get away with it we should be flooded with signs such as 'Get Soused at Sousa's,' 'Stewed at Stuart's,' or 'Pie-eyed at the Pianola.' "

Thus last week did New Jersey's $13,000-a-year publicity-wise State Alcoholic Beverage Control Commissioner D. Frederick Burnett rule on the question of fit signs for bars. Practically every State where liquor is legal has appropriate officials who issue tomes of rulings which exasperate liquor dealers, mystify the public and are as dull as red tape can be made. Not so, however, are the rulings of Commissioner Burnett. As anxious to please the press as President Roosevelt, Commissioner Burnett seldom lets a week go by without turning out on his mimeograph at least one newsworthy wisecrack ruling. Some of his decisions which set a new high in liquor control:

P: When a bartender was accused of using a baseball bat on an unruly patron's head: "It is a crime, but not moral turpitude."

P: Of a nude picture over a bar: "The painting is mediocre, the color flat, the style eclectic and the subject trite . . . [but] this picture is not obscene. Therefore I shall not order its removal."

P: When an Italian saloonkeeper was accused of advertising his place as "Muldoon's'': "It is a subtle compliment to the Irish."

P: On Mulligan, a concoction of whiskey, gin, beer or ale with dry red peppers: "I do not think offhand of any objection if someone wants his beer `a la Tabasco."

P: On keeping whiskey chilled in summer: "You may keep it on ice, or, if you prefer, fan it."

P:On Glogg, a Swedish drink containing port wine, red wine, brandy, almonds, raisins : ". . . Sounds to me more like a typographical error. ..."

P: On tear-gas to stop barroom fights: "The use of such extreme measures is illadvised. A bungstarter, strategically displayed, usually suffices."

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