Virginia Mock

Last week the steamer Virginia Lee, carrying 1,000 businessmen on a goodwill tour, hove to 20 mi. at sea off Norfolk, Va. (where naval reviews are held). The businessmen fell silent and looked at three austere caskets on the edge of the deck. The Rev. P. Roland Wagner of Norfolk fumbled with a prayer book. Virginia's Governor John Garland Pollard, onetime William & Mary law professor, smiled his famed crooked smile, cleared his throat.

"Old Man Depression, Old Lady Pessimism and your unhappy daughter, Miss Fortune," he bellowed at three dressed-up dummies, "the United States is no place for you! You never had any real justification to be here anyhow. . . . You were created by unjustified fears and uncertainties. . . . The leaders of business enterprise are exercising every resource of ingenuity and hard work to eliminate waste and inefficiency. That the forces thus set into motion are now turning toward a new and prosperous era is indicated by a study of past business cycles. Miserable creatures, I consign you to a watery grave. Your doom is sealed.

"Old Man Hard Work, Lady Optimism, Little Johnny Pay Roll and Miss Good Fortune are here to take your places. I understand that even ' now Miss Good Fortune has become engaged to Mr. Bigger Buyer. . . .

"We of Virginia ... on the behalf of the whole country have decided to become your executioners. You have been . . . found guilty of subterfuge and as undesirable aliens. And now, as Governor of Virginia, I hereby proclaim that you shall be sent to the realm of unreality where you belong."

Oration over, the dummies were lynched, placed in caskets, buried with regular rites, while the 1,000 businessmen cheered this notable method of doing away with depression.

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