An Ebullient Partisan

"It is naturally pleasing to be honored to preside over a convention that will assuredly nominate the next President of the United States"--the words came naturally to Mr. Harrison. They flowed from his tongue without a second's hesitation when he heard that he had been chosen as temporary Chairman of the Democratic Convention. He is a natural born partisan, and his name is Pat.

Unfortunately, his name is not Patrick. "Pat" is all the Congressional Directory says. But he was christened "Byron Patton" in the Methodist Church. After he left college he was a pitcher on a semiprofessional baseball team. Since then he has spent most of his time "pitching bean balls"* at the Republican Party.

Representative Burton of Ohio will keynote for the Republicans. He is expected to make a good conservative speech, nothing spectacular. But what of Harrison? Won't he furnish drama! Won't he rake the Republicans over the coals! What will he leave of the Republican platform, that will then be a newborn babe, brought forth into the world only a few days before? Won't the Republican candidates slink away, like Cataline, before the scourging he will give them! Harrison is a man worth listening to. Hear his famous tongue as it has crackled:

On the Democratic Party. "In this dark hour of Republican misrule, marked by wiggling, wobbling, halting and hesitating, twisting and squirming, doubt and uncertainty, and with no fixed program or settled policy, the record made by the last Administration rises in a halo of brilliance."

On the Republican Party. "Except where it has been compelled to follow the paths made by the Wilson Administration it has been as spine less as a Burbank cactus. . .

"The Republican party under present leadership has forgotten the principles upon which it was founded and become a party of hypocrisy and deceit. ... Its record lies in a wreckage of broken promises and repudiated pledges. . . . There never was such a flagrant betrayal of party promises, such a complete failure to solve present-day problems. . . . Not only have they attempted to increase the cost of living . . . but this Ad ministration has given encouragement to every effort to reduce the wages of the wage-earner and to in crease the profits of the conscience less gouger."

On the Republican Tariff. "Let's see what the people are to get tax-free under your bill. First, you are going to let bones come in free, and Brazilian pebbles. Then, bristles, if they are crude, cuttlefish bone, dry insects, stems of vegetables and flowers--I don't understand how they escaped. Birds' eggs and fish eggs, free. Fish skins, fossils, dragon's blood. Horsehair, hoops, old junk. If it's new junk it can't come in free. I don't know whether you let loaded dice in free, but you are giving the American people loaded dice in this bill. And seaweed--that just drifts in. Nux vomica, rags, shavings, old paper, rope ends, old sausage casings and bladders, skeletons and false teeth. If you pass this bill the American people won't need any teeth, as they won't be able to purchase the necessities to use them on. Joss sticks and turtles and worn gut. So that's the free list the American people are going to get!"

After such diatribes Mr. Harrison frequently retires to the cloakroom and meeting his Republican colleagues, many of whom are his good friends, pats them on the back. Vituperation is all in his day's work.

*A type of delivery in which a swift ball is aimed at or close to the batter's head to shake his nerve, drive him away from the plate--or knock him out.